Adjusting

OK, so I actually wrote this post almost a week ago, but I was waiting on the ability to post some pics along with it. We're not there yet (almost, but not quite), so pics will come soon - I promise!

Finally, I am beginning to feel more like I live here instead of like we are squatting in an abandoned house in some strange town. While the house still does not look any different, our routine and outings are what's making it feel more permanent.

We have been incredibly busy. Not only are we both still working full days (though I work two days less), we work for hours to unpack, to set up functional systems (like bill paying, etc.) and to set up computer stuff. We do a lot of yard work, we run endless errands, and take what seems like a trip to Home Depot everyday. As a child, I hated Home Depot, but now it is my favorite shopping spot. We browse every aisle looking at hardware for doors, interior paint, molding, lumber and yard stuff. Now that Erik has a big ol' saw (thanks dad!), and now lots of wood, I will surely never see him again. Remember the bench he made? That was just the beginning. And I can't wait! First he is going to tackle making a box for our compost. Then shelves for our bedroom (we have to hang them on the wall because the room is not big enough for a bookshelf). Then he will tackle a huge built-in for our living area. My MAN!

This may not seem like much, but when you add visiting family and friends, there's not a spare moment. But we are loving every minute and are enjoying the process.

Work-wise, we've got the routine down. We work on DC time (Eastern Standard), which makes for very early mornings, but without the commute. We get up, get fully ready and have tea while we work for the first hour or two. Then we take a quick break to eat breakfast on the screened-in porch (the Blackberry & iphone join us). I think Erik has eaten tacos for every meal from two nearby taco stands (one for breakfast tacos, another for everything after). But he finally made bread so that he doesn't turn into a chorizo taco with cheese and potatoes. Now he has his bread and spreads, and I make my everyday Mexican breakfast (one fried egg, spoon of organic refried beans and sautéed kale, all topped with avocado and hot sauce). I am not supposed to eat eggs everyday because of asthma, but I'm loving this breakfast right now...

Then we work until lunch, and we do the same thing - make a quick lunch and eat outside with our Blackberries.

Life without a commute is very different, and working from home is off-the-charts different. I thought I would struggle more with motivation and distraction, but I actually get much more done at home - no more hallway/cubicle conversations, and I don't get pulled into nearly as many meetings. I'm actually motivated to hammer through my tasks, and not to do personal stuff. However, when 2-3pm rolls around, I become increasingly antsy as I notice the beautiful weather and the neighborhood streets calling my name: "Come take a walk," they say. The margaritas also call my name, but I try to ignore them.

We have taken a many great walks to explore our neighborhood. On my first day, we bought a bike at a garage sale down the street before we even pulled into the house from the airport. So we also trade off taking the bike out (total retro cruiser), and we're working on getting another one so that we can venture out together. It's so great for going to the library and for getting breakfast tacos. I referred earlier to squatting in "some strange town" because it does not feel like Austin at times. I have never lived or hung-out in this part of town, so it is a totally different place for us both. We seek out our favorite places for dinner some times, but mostly we are being exposed to all new territory.

We met our neighbors on one side and across the street from us. We know more about these people and surrounding folks in the 15 mins that we talked than we did about our neighbors for 7 years in DC. People are so comfortable talking to others out here. It's hard to explain the contrast. If you've lived somewhere friendly, and then moved to DC, and then visit the friendly place, you will often notice how different interactions are in DC (if you're lucky enough to have any at all). As Erik put it, he forgot how much of a "westerner" he is. He says that the people are just different, and that he feels so much more comfortable out west vs. on the east coast. He said they're not exactly "bad" on the east coast, but that he can just be himself more - not as uptight. I definitely see that.

I sure do miss the Dupont Circle farmers market. Though there is a huge, bustling farmers market not far from here, I instead go to Boggy Creek Farm on Wed morning for an intimate (and quiet) shopping experience right on the farm. The variety is not what it is in Dupont (5 zillion types of apples and kale), but I still get everything we need, and I'm actually less overwhelmed. There are several varieties of mixed greens and squash, there's lamb and beef, feta and other cheeses, and much more (including gluten free brownies...) - we want for nothing, and it's a little cheaper. It's super different because it's on an actual farm, and during that time of day, there's maybe 5 other people there. And the other shoppers aren't exactly hippies, but they're definitely funky (tatoos, etc.), and they're super nice and genuine. Totally different vibe from the very urban and crowded market in Dupont. I love both, but I'm enjoying the change in pace.

All-in-all, we are settling very nicely, and we're enjoying the creative outlet of doing new things to this big open canvass that is our house. I have to be the luckiest women in the world to have such an amazing partner, a great house, a job at home, and all in a super great town that houses almost my entire family. Life is very, very good.

Blow Out

Today was my first full day in Austin. After a safe and somewhat emotional arrival last night, we ventured out in our Beastie Boys-video Oldsmobile that we're borrowing from my dad. We enjoyed waking up to a cool and overcast morning, staring at our backyard trees from our bed. Then we had breakfast at a favorite breakfast spot that exudes "Austin" (Kerby Lane) before heading off to shop for some basics (trash cans, etc.).

We decided to stop and get the alignment checked on the Oldsmobile since it was turning out to be pretty shaky (like more than the suspension that Erik repeatedly claimed "characteristic" of such old-school "rides"). While "Speedy Alignment" checked our car for what seemed like hours, we strolled through Target for only the second time in years. Being overwhelmed by all of the offerings (and having only a bike lock in the shopping cart), we decided to check-in with the car place. They said they had aligned it, but that it really needed a new tire.

At this point, we decide that it would probably be wise to let my dad know one of the tires seems to be "split", and that we're conveniently sitting in the parking lot of Discount Tires. He says that he happens to have a warranty on those tires through Discount Tires, and that he'll call back after he rummages through his papers to find it. In the meantime, we check with Discount Tires to see if they have a warranty under his phone number - they do. So the man comes out to take a look at them and informs us that the tires are 11 years old and no longer under warranty (and totally "split").

After reporting this to my dad and getting the same answer that he needs to find his paper work, we are getting hot and decide to at least get in the car and move it to the shade so that we can sit in it. We move it across the parking lot to the shade, and guess what - we can't turn it off again. The ignition or something is completely jammed and the car will simply not turn off. With a quarter of a tank of gas, and being all the way across town from my dad, we tell him that we will just bring the car to his house instead of sitting here burning gas while he figures this out.

Slowly we go with our hazards on, and on the freeway about halfway there, things are getting pretty shaky, and guess what - the tire blows. So we force the car over to the median and proceed to dig out the spare (donut) and a jack, and guess what - no jack. So then we call my dad to come meet us. And guess what - the car is still running. While waiting for a long time (and after I have run across the freeway to pee in a nearby bush), three nice men pull over and let us use their jack to get the donut on. By the time my dad arrives, the donut is on and we're ready to "roll".

Thankfully he offers to drive the Olds while we follow in his truck, and guess what - the donut blows. He maneuvers the Olds into a parking lot where we have to turn the car off by disconnecting the battery (and taking it with us so that it doesn't get stolen, since the key is still jammed in the ignition). From there on, it was a safe journey to his house where he had my sisters old convertible Z waiting for us (not as cool as it sounds, but it runs!).

Once we get a little more set up, I promise to post pics of our place. It looks great and we're really enjoying it. What we expected would be a good day of unpacking got lost on the car stuff, but we are taking it one box at a time.

I am fortunate enough to have been able to keep my DC-job part-time through March, and to telecommute from home. Erik and I have set up two little offices in our house, and we are preparing for a productive work week conducted from our home!

My last days in DC were really, really great, and I still feel like I'm just visiting Austin and squatting in someone's house. But more and more it's hitting me that I'm a homeowner (in this economy), and that I'm a resident of Austin (with a DC drivers license). Erik's smile is bigger than I've ever seen it, and really, that's all I care about at the end of every day.

Between Worlds

I wish I could share pictures, but the camera equipment is in a box. On a truck. In Texas. Texas.

We're out of the apt - oh so much harder emotionally than I thought it could be. Every time I stopped being so busy, I would just cry. Perhaps it's unhealthy to be so attached to a place - city or dwelling - but that is definitely what I am. After our AMAZING friends helped us move our stuff out of the apt ALL DAY LONG (thanks, Friends!!), we reminisced in our quiet, empty apt about how amazing our lives have been here, and about how incredibly lucky we are to have had the opportunity to live the way only some people can dream about. I will never ever forget how happy I have been here.

I am now working on the phase of being excited to see the new home that we actually own in Austin, another really amazing town.

Earlier when I meant to write this post, Erik and I were both between worlds. He was in transit to Austin, and I am still living in DC, but with friends. I'm happy to report that he and his sidekick, Jason, have safely arrived in Austin, and are tired beyond words. I, myself, went to bed at 6pm the past two nights and forced myself not to do the same tonight, so I can only imagine that Erik is delirious. But I did get a twinge of excitement when he called with his arrival news, and once he wakes up, I can't wait to hear about his impressions of his first home (that he owns). I'm sad to not be experiencing this week with him, but hopefully the money I am making will be worth it (like...we'll be able to eat - yea!).

The season here in DC has completely changed - fall has rushed in with very cool days and cooler evenings. City people are running around in their fall attire - some in the latest fashions, and some in the sweaters they've dug out from the bottom of their closets. I will miss how very stark and complete the four seasons are here in DC. It's funny that fall here is kind of how winter is in Austin. But when cold-fronts hit in Austin, it gets down in the teens and skips the snow all together - Austin just goes straight for the ice storms - the rest of the winter is very mild. But there is something to be said about not having to lug your heaviest long coat everywhere you go. I'm looking forward to a fall and winter of wearing just layers. And I intend to keep my DC-experience as a deep internal layer that I will never peel off - one that I will always know is there.

No Turning Back Now!

Did I mention that we closed on the house in Aug? We closed on Aug 15.

After signing and notarizing like a million-page contract, we Fed-Ex'd it to Austin and experienced a very anti-climatic first night as home buyers. We got to work right away picking out floors and finalizing renovation and contractor plans. And then it was on to packing.

Every night is now filled with packing, making weighty decisions about what's going on with the remod (and budget) and doing "all of those things" in DC that we want to do before we leave. Everyday our contractor uncovers another cost as he digs deeper into the bones of this house. We are doing our best to "do it right the first time "and not cut corners, which means we may be eating nothing but peanut butter until Halloween.

Whoa...Halloween... We may have our first Trick-or-Treaters this year!

Because we cannot be there to run errands and make judgment calls, we're very appreciative for my dad's help, and for Ravyn's help - she ran over to our house (baby and all) to take several pics of the yard so that I could see if it was torched from the summer heat (turns out I now own a hose from the guy we hired to water the yard...I'm sure we'll be billed for it). And who knew I would ever directly benefit from my dad's trailor? I don't know how else he would have picked up our floors. Thanks so much to you both!

Erik will roll out of here on Sept. 30th, and will likely arrive in Austin around Oct. 3rd or 4th. I will fly out a week or 2 later after securing some more dough (or "pork" as they would say inside the Beltway).

And Holy Hannah! To what will he arrive??








Have you ever watched HGTV or some show where a contractor is doing demo in someone's house and the owner is outside talking to the camera/show-host saying, "Uh...I'm kind of freaking out. My kitchen is a complete disaster, and I just really hope this comes together..."?

Well, I can't relate. While these pics look crazy, and even after my dad asked if I'm regretting all of this yet (umm...support please!), it does not freak me out a bit. In fact, I am much more able to see the potential than I was before the demo. I guess that's how much I hate carpet...

Long time no talk, Cris!!

While cleaning stuff out tonight, I read through old journals and notebooks that I used to keep when I was "deep" and liked to "write". Poetry flowed like honey from a youthful heart, and heartache splashed the pages with each relationship's coming and going.

And then I found this. A set of questions written to myself in 2003, entitled "Questions for the 30 year-old Cris". You can imagine my shock and surprise as I sat there and realized that I am 30 for only 1 more month. And had I not been moving, I would never have found this, and would have missed the opportunity to answer them honestly and on-time.

I remember now the motivation for such a futuristic and thoughtful effort. My roommate at the time received a letter in the mail that she had written to herself back in her freshman year of college. The cover letter reminded her that it was something they did in her program, but the program was being discontinued, and instead of the program mailing it to her parents 10 years from the writing date, they mailed it to her about 5 years early. You'd be surprised what it asked, and how different her answers were from the time that she wrote it...I was shocked.

I wasn't so shocked with my own questions and answers, but I was certainly jolted a bit, saddened and elated all at once. Lucky you, I have recreated the questionnaire below, and have added my answers. Yikes...

Are you happy?
Yes, very much so.

Are you living in the present?
Actually yes, because I am so afraid of the future right now, and I'm trying to savor the present for once!

Are you faithful in your relationship (if you're in one)?
Yes.

Have you made peace with your loss of 2003/01?
What in the hell does that mean??

Are you in touch with your creative self?
Not until a couple of days ago when I was packing up my beads and decided to make some stuff to sell as one last desperate attempt to earn some cash - it has been many years (and it shows).

Are you still hiding your body?
Can I answer that later? Geez...yes...I guess sometimes...

Are you still obsessed with image?
Well...I wouldn't say obsessed, but I can get a little involved every once in awhile...

Are you struggling with materialism?
Funny you should mention that, Cristina - I go back and forth with wanting to work extra in order to get some nice stuff for our new house. So, I guess I am a little bit - it's still a love/hate thing with me.

Are you smoking?
No, I quit - yea!!!

Are you in love?
Insanely so. Aren't you gonna ask me with whom?

Do you love where you live?
Way too much...

Are you a slave to your job?
No, not anymore (phew...).

Do you still go by "Cris"?
Not at work, but it's hanging on everywhere else!

Have you taken someone else's last name?
Well, not yet, but I intend to before I leave DC and after our loan is all settled (really, Hon - I am).

Are you still a democrat?
You could say that!!!

Are you active in your community?
Define active. OK...no.

If you have kids, did you name them Leif and/or Helena Jude?
Not there yet, and I won't reveal the plans (not even to my past self)!

Are you still trying out new French bistros?
Uh, yeah!

Are you living to love and loving to live?
Very poetic, Cris. Yes, thank you.

Are you still patient with other's processes?
Not as much as I should be.

Are you maintaining familial relationships?
Does moving back to TX count (YES, it does - can you tell I wasn't raised with family around? What a question!)?

How's your mom? Are you still in a place where you forgive her, or do you resent her yet again?
In a good place now, but had bad spots in between.

Are you deep in the heart of TX (in all respects)?
OMG, Cris - really. How dorky are you?! I'm not even going to answer that (dork).

Are you playful in your relationship?
Yes :) My Pup and I just love to play (way too much actually)!

Are you still advocating for gay rights for a living?
Oh man - couple of years late on that one.

Have you gone to graduate school?
No, thank goodness! I don't have student loans!

Are you taking care of yourself? Your asthma?
I'm so glad you asked! I'm doing great in that respect (though I could use a lot less red wine and dark chocolate).

Have you learned to sew?
No, but I still plan to, dammit! Don't judge me, Cris (unless it helps you/me learn to sew).

Do you take more pictures?
Cris, you wouldn't believe it - I have a digital camera now! I take loads of pictures (but ask me in 5 years what I did with them...).

Do you believe in God?
Man...who's reading this blog again...? Let's just say I'm kind of agnostic.

Are you spiritual?
Probably not... Define spiritual.

Are you still trying to mold and control your partner?
Damn, dude! That phase is over thankfully. I decided to trust people, especially the one that loves me more than anything.

Are you reading more?
Thank goodness for the subway! Yes (does the paper count? Just kidding :)

Is seeing movies still your favorite past time?
Honestly, besides hanging with Erik, yes, it's still my favorite thing. Nothing beats sneaking treats into a cool dark theatre, and losing yourself in an artful production.

How is your game of chess?
My what? Um...

Do you have plants in your life?
Barely - they probably wish I didn't.

Do you like Tori Amos?
Another really dorky question. Tori and I are pretty much over.

Is music still a big part of your life?
It's on all the time, but I don't know who it is singing (Pandora Radio is this whole new thing. I love music, I just don't know much about it these days...but then again, I never really did).

Have you done anything in the past 5 years to make the world a better place?
Just 10hrs/day!!

Is your country at war?
Sadly, yes...still at war.

How is your anxiety?
Surprisingly high lately. Why do you ask? I don't remember you having a problem before. Honestly, I don't. I thought this was a new phenomenon.

Are you embracing your past or running from it?
Um...I think I'm embracing it (because I'm not running from it).

How's Louisa?
Ask her.

How's Jennifer Kern?
(she's the roommate that did this whole question thing) Honestly, I don't fully know, but I plan to connect with her again once back in Austin - she moved back, too (oh, and her name is Kennedy Kern now...)!

Do you like your hair?
Are you kidding me?? Actually...I'm learning to like it more - decided to grow it out and it's much better now (kind of).

Make-up or not?
Yes, but after kids, I will probably stop. And what the hell? Why does it matter anyway??

Are you wearing glasses?
Not updated ones!

Working out?
Yes (but not enough).

Do you still watch the sunset?
Rarely. Can't see it in this town!

Do you write poetry?
Never. However, I have written music - that counts, right Cris?

Who are you blaming for your downfalls?
God, girl! You/Me, I guess!

Are you still considering public office?
Wouldn't you like to know...

Who's the President?
Too bad you didn't ask me in a few months! I can't bare to tell you who it is right now...

How's Colin Cunliff?
Well, he contacted me recently through this thing called Facebook (don't ask), and he's great.

Corri Planck?
Good as ever (we still use email to communicate - yes, email's still around).

Do fresh flowers still find their way into your life?
Yes, but I'm not the one buying them!

How's the clutter?
Not so hot right now, cuz I'm movin' and all...but getting rid of lots of stuff!!

With whom are you really in love?
I thought you'd never ask! The "really" part is throwing me off a bit, but I'm in love with Erik Summerfield (was "me" supposed to be the answer?).

How's Katie Stone?
Last time we talked, she had been better, but we're not in touch if that's what you want to know...

Ben Glazer?
He's great - graduated from Harvard Business! Another successful ex-boyfriend under the belt!

Are you still growing from your experiences?
What else would I do with them?

Natural child birth, if any at all?
Still hoping for it!

Career mother or stay-at-home mom?
Gonna try for both...

Traveling? Seeing the world?
Absolutely!

Do you still cry in the bathroom?
How did you know?? Why do I do that?!

Are you a good aunt to ALL of your nephews and nieces?
No. But really, that's a huge motivation for moving back to Austin - so I can be closer to all 11 of them!!


So you see? Kind of scary, but I highly recommend this exercise - it can be very enlightening to inquire of yourself in such a way. The challenge is where do you keep the questions, and how do you remember to answer them in 5 or 10 years? If there's not a college program to do it for you, how can you remind yourself (unless you miraculously stumble upon them like I did)?

I really don't know, but I'm going to try it again. Here are some questions I would start with:

Questions for the 35 year-old Cristina

Have you had kids yet?

Are you freaked out by their astrological sign?

Are you still scared to death of not being a good mother?

Do you still have a very playful marriage?

Have you done your wedding album...?

Are you a homeowner? Same home as the one you bought in '08?

Do you yearn to live in the big city still (DC in particular)?


Any many other questions :)

It's been nice catchin' up with you, Cris!

Moving Forward

After holding two briefings on Capitol Hill, and after a lot of stress associated with the process and aftermath, I am starting to be more comfortable with an identity that doesn't involve lobbying and advocacy. However, the expenses that are incurring with each considered renovation (no matter how minimal) are enough to have me looking at jobs non-stop in my spare time. I do not trust that I will be able to do a full-time hardcore job, such as I have now, while puking, etc. (though I know many a woman has done it - I don't desire to be one of them), so I have been looking at alternatives.

Briefing on the Hill...

Part-time nanny is appealing because there's some flexibility (with predictability), and it's good practice (and for a good cause, in a way), but no nanny-seekers have written me back (they want a nanny, not a lobbyist). Dog-walking fell off the list after I imagined being maimed by a pouty pouch. And so it is that I have come full-circle to the prospect of what I know and do best: lobbying and advocating. My field preference is changing, but I bet I will end up doing some kind of bleeding-heart work for peanuts, with a side of throw-up, at least until my body dictates otherwise. Part-time is the goal - I figure that will cover some home improvements, and my desire to get fun paint on the walls ASAP.

Some bleeding heart liberal leading a group in a march on the National Mall...I don't know her...

After a very thoughtful email from Erik's sister Bianca, I am feeling less and less anxious and more excited about our decision to re-lo. As I fantasize about puffy tacos and frozen margaritas, cut-off jean shorts and tubing in the river, I realize that I've been suffocating my excitement, but that it still breathes deep within.

An incident last night fueled my fire just a bit more. I had a phone consulation with a guy named Jim at People's Rx in Austin (a pharmacy that has nutritionists and holistic Dr.'s on staff to encourage natural healing through nutrition, etc.) - he was very knowledgable about effective remedies for asthma during pregnancy, and the risks of the prescription that I currently take. He spent well over our scheduled half hour, giving me invaluable information that I have never heard about my lungs after 30 years of having asthma and spending time in Dr.'s offices to get prescriptions. NEVER have I heard about mucosal secretions, and soft muscle, and the positive affects of magnesium on asthma, among a breadth of over things. He was very thorough, and so laid-back, genuine and SUPPORTIVE vs. pompous and arrogant like most Dr.'s have been with me about this.

When we were done, I requested that he transfer me back to the front desk so that I could pay for my consult, but instead he told me not to worry about it. That is so Austin! I was blown away, and I can't wait to get to Austin so I can pay him with a gift certificate to a kickin' restaurant.

Something else that excites me (don't laugh, because I am seriously jumping the gun on this one...) is my recent joining of the Austin Organic Moms Meet-Up (it's called something like that) - it's a group of mom's that get together regularly for social things, but they are all women who are raising their kids with attachment parenting methods, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, etc. I'm hoping to also find women that are possibly living a gluten-free life for health reasons. They welcome pregnant women and those looking to start their families, and they include the men pretty often, too. Who knows what they're all really like, but I'm looking forward to possibly making friends with lots of like-minded people (not to mention connections for future jobs, etc. - you never know who you're going to meet! That's the DC part of me coming out...).

I'm enjoying the recent twinges of excitement that have been long overdue. As it down-poured here in DC last night, I put my chin on my windowseel and watched the rain bounce off the street at eye-level. It's at eye-level because we live in the basement and our windows literally open onto the street (the squirrels walk right up to the open window and eat from my hand). I thought about how I will probably never experience that little but strange phenomenon again, and how if I had raised a child here, they would probably know nothing else - how funny! Two weeks ago, I would have wept at the sight of rain hitting the street at eye-level, but last night I just smiled and enjoyed it for one of the last times.

Making Peace with It

For some reason, the joy that came when I pictured a new life in Austin is now lost in my total grieving for leaving this city. Everyday, I have to weigh the pros and cons all over again, just like I did in the very beginning. The pros of moving always seem to win somehow, but my heart only feels the pain of the cons.

It seems that every step I take is filled with trying to absorb the environment around me, often saying softly, I may never walk along this beautiful street again. And while I want to go out and experience DC to the fullest - one last time over and over again - it almost takes an army to get me out of my apt, over which I am grieving, too.

Am I too attached to one location? Is this a good exercise in change and challenging what is so familiar? Why am I suddenly scared out of my mind to move to a city that I love and that is so happening, and that is so ultra beautiful and cool? I could name 20 reasons, but I'll start with one: could I be having an identity crisis?

When I had my mini freak-out the other night, and I begged Erik to admit that he was freaked-out, too, he instead said that he is thrilled to be moving, and that he will have there in Austin (or anywhere we move) the one thing that matters most in life: me.

Again and again, his perspective makes me have to stop and wonder what in the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I also be content with the fact that I have absolutely everything that I ever wanted (minus a savings account...overrated, right...?)? Why can't I fully embrace my own philosophy that life is too short to live in one place for too long, and that change is good? Where did all of this anxiety come from when I was so confident about it all before?

Everyone says it's normal, which is true, but it's hard to tell when you're being normal and when you should be listening more closely to your fears... And hence the long sessions of weighing the pros and cons in my head.

Pro: My entire family is there, and I've already missed so much of their lives - it will be great to be re-integrated and to raise my kids with cousins.
Con: My entire family is there...many of them crazy (have you met my mother?)!

Pro: I've always wanted to grow a garden and to sit on my screened-in porch and shell peas from their pods while watching the sky change colors as the sun goes down. I'll own a screened-in porch!
Con: I'm trading my very highly valued and incredible urban life for more square footage and a yard - is this a move that's true to who I really am? Or will I just always want what I don't have? How can you want both at the same time?

Pro: I will have much more freedom to swim in natural swimming holes, to hike and bike my heart out, to drive to the beach without renting a car, and to take long walks in my neighborhood without having to share the sidewalk with 100's of people.
Con: I will have to take a car everywhere except for on walks (though they are building a light rail - 10pts for you, Austin!).

Pro: The schools are a million times better in Austin, and the crime rate is a million times lower.
Con: ...OK...I can't think of a con for that one...

Anyway, you get my point - my mind circles around and around, sometimes hitting huge relief with my decision, and sometimes hitting total paralysis thinking that I have completely made the wrong choice, and that I'll totally regret it.

As Erik wisely points out, we would not be happy raising children in this apt without making many changes that aren't economical for renting. He says that if we had chosen to start our family here, that we would have had to push out because it's so expensive, and that living in the suburbs would completely defeat the point of staying here (the same conversation we had when we decided to move). Since his job is not an issue and isn't confining us (he telecommutes), why not take the leap?

And so it is that I am crazy and he is wise. Indeed I love this city, but the things I love about it would probably not be the same when kids come into our lives. This location in Dupont Circle has meant everything to me, not to mention that most of our friends live on our street! But if we stayed, our location would change, and everything would be different anyway.

On some days that little pep-talk works for me...on some days it doesn't.

But I had a great discussion with my neighbor in CVS last night (God forbid we should talk in our building - that would be too neighborly!!). He and his wife (a very international couple - she's Parisian, and he's...can't remember), and their young baby are pushing out to the 'burbs because life in Dupont Circle with a baby is not as easy as they thought it would be. They are leaving this seemingly convenient area for Kensington, MD for better quality of life (and they could easily be moving to Paris where her family is!), and they're paying $500K for a house smaller than ours. Well, what better story could I have heard! Suddenly after that, for some reason, it was all much better. I slept with more ease and I woke-up this AM without my usual instant panic.

So just like that, I kissed good-bye my visions of carting kids on the subway to school, and watching a toddler play every weekend on the National Mall. I'm working on replacing those visions with a child climbing our tree in the backyard and falling asleep to a story being read by Grandpa.

I can always visit the Eiffel Tower - I don't have to live there, right?!