Without Language

I love that our daughter communicates with us in her own baby way, (mostly) without the English language. While I'm going through the day, I don't realize it. But sometimes when I'm reflecting on things at night, I think about how the entire day is filled with guessing about what she wants or needs. I am so tightly holding onto these moments of her searching my eyes for understanding as she grunts or yells or smiles while tugging at my skirt. And I search her eyes for approval as I ask, More? Bite? Want down? Outside? Shoes hurt? Mama hold you? Change your diaper? Stella do it?

I love that we have not yet hit that stage where her frustration will turn into a tantrum. Right now, she'll just throw her head back and cry or she'll fuss at me. But she never throws anything, she doesn't throw her body on the ground and scream, and she rarely hurts me on purpose (though she tests it sometimes). These worse days are so close I can see their shadow. But for now, I'm locked in this moment of sweet baby translations.

Erik and I laugh in amazement when she understands something we didn't realize she knew. It really is incredible the way babies pick things up so fast. I told her one time, Walk backwards. And she did it. I feel like she understands almost everything I say. And when Daddy and I talk in front of her, it feels like she's just soaking up the words, dropping them in her mental honey jar one by one. I love the way her eyes dart around the room when I ask her if she wants to go to the farm and play with the chickens, as if she's going to spot one right there in our living room.

And now she nods her head "yes". It's this development that has made me realize that the true baby stage is nearing it's end. I think as mothers we experience this pain so that we'll keep having children. But funny how it does the opposite for me sometimes. Often I want nothing - especially pregnancy - to interrupt this precious time I have with her. Sometimes I have to remind my incredibly sleep-deprived self to be in the moment. But most of the time, I cannot escape the overwhelmingly sad thought that these precious days are numbered.

Like every stage has, this stage will turn into another that I will fight to keep close to my heart. But for now, I rush nothing. I hold her as close to my body as often as she'll let me, and even closer to my deep, deep soul.