My Beautiful Mother

I apologize to those of you who have already read this message in an email. I'm posting it here for my friends and family that may not have heard yet.

Thank you for your kindness and support during this time. I appreciate the flowers and plants that you all sent as I know it is very expensive and these are hard times for everyone. The flowers and plants were beautiful and just perfect for my mother - she loved flowers and plants so very much. In fact, her husband suggested collecting donations in lieu of flowers, but I knew she would prefer to be showered with flowers. She would have truly loved the site of all of those flowers there just for her.

My mother, Cathey, died on Dec. 30 after years and years of battling sickness. Toward the end, she had suffered strokes and bowel trouble and had pneumonia during this last stay at the hospital which was around 4 weeks long. They had discovered a blood clot in her brain but had let her go the day after Christmas because it did not seem to be growing and she seemed to be improving. While at home for the next couple of days, she ran around the house as usual, cooking, cleaning and ordering things out of catalogues. She was truly glad to be home and out of the hospital. She would lose her balance the more tired she got, and I begged her the whole time to get in bed and stay there, but as soon as I would turn around, she would be up again and onto the next activity. Her balance issues were due to the strokes that she'd had - things seemed pretty good other than that. We even took a requested trip to Walgreen's and we also took her to have her hair done. However, we didn't realize her pneumonia was as bad as it was. Other than the typical shortness of breath while she ran around, it did not even seem that she still had it. Erik and I left her house on Sunday, and she called me in the car on the way home to help her find something she had misplaced. On Monday, I meant to call her after work, but we were so busy getting ready for our California trip for a late Christmas with Erik's family, that I completely forgot. Tuesday morning I got the call. Monday night and Tuesday morning she had been coughing terribly, and her lungs eventually filled with fluid. She begged not to be taken back to the hospital, and while the intention was to take her a little later, she died at home instead, where she wanted to be.

I would like nothing better than to report that I expected it and was prepared, but the truth is that I didn't expect it and I wasn't as prepared as I had been in the past when she had been so sick before. There are times in the past when she seemed more sick and weak than this time and I had been more ready for the call. But I was shocked and devastated when the call came, especially just having seen her.

I can't express to you how deeply sad I am on so many different levels. She was so excited about our baby, and perhaps that is the most painful part of all - that my children will never know the kind and gentle and beautiful mother that I had. I am struggling a lot with regret regarding my not seeing her enough this year and my own inability to see how sick she was this time. I have the deepest pain and sadness that I ever thought possible. While everyone says that time will heal, for now my every thought is full of nothing but her, and I can't imagine how the pain will subside, but I suppose it will. The absolute only comfort I have is that I saw her before she went and that she is no longer in pain.

She wanted to be buried in Hico, Texas where she was born. This is a very small town about 6 hrs from Houston where she lived. We had a nice service for her and the weather was beautiful. She was buried next to her grandmother in the family plot, exactly as requested. I've attached some words about her that I said at her funeral in addition to the eulogy the preacher gave. There are also some photos from a few years ago.

Thank you again to all of you for your support during this time. This has definitely been the worst and hardest thing that I've ever experienced, and you all are helping to provide me the strength to get through it. Thank you.

So Sick. Sick Sucks.

I have been sick with an upper respiratory infection for a few days, and the crappiest thing about it is not being able to take something to knock me out so that I can sleep. However, I suddenly remembered a natural remedy today that works like magic and I'm starting to feel better already.

Fresh pineapple. Something in fresh pineapple (the enzymes or something) breaks up the mucus and helps your cough. After several days of coughing as hard as I can and then laying down only to have both nostrils completely plugged, I can now breath through my nostrils and my coughing is better. We've also been placing a hot wet rag over my eyes that seems to have opened up my nose a bit (at the suggestion of the nurse we called this AM). Also, I was reading online that squeezing the web between your index and thumb is an acupuncture point that can also help to cut mucus if you squeeze for 1 minute. Page 298 of this link has all kinds of good suggestions for natural cold remedies, ones I wish I would have read 2 days ago.

We've had several incredibly busy days running around, shopping and preparing to host X-mas. We've been buying and hanging curtains, changing out hardware in the house and other various things that were put on hold when he was laid-off. But now that we're hosting X-mas, there was a lot of motivation to get some of these projects done. On top of that, I did a huge part of my sister's X-mas shopping (since she just had a baby) and am wrapping most of her gifts (not to mention shopping for our own gifts and wrapping them). The big problem is that I had to completely stop because of this sickness! Erik, however, kept trucking as he proceeded to go to Whole Foods last night and shop for the entire X-mas dinner. He was gone for over 3 hours! Poor thing was so worn out when he got home. Shopping for X-mas dinner is super hard when you hate going to the grocery store!

Erik tackles the lights.



Our first tree!


Baskets I've been making for my sister (all local Austin stuff).

In the middle of it all, we went to my nieces first slumber party on Friday. This took me WAY back. I'll have to add the videos later...


Hopefully after some more natural remedies this afternoon, I can get back on the horse. Our family X-mas is here tomorrow night, so we have a lot to do...!

Crisis Averted

Erik is a very smart man. I wish I could shout from the rooftops how much I respect him. It has been a little scary with him being laid-off, especially during the holidays and during a huge national economic crisis, but I knew he would find something. Alas, he has been offered--and has accepted--a job based in DC! Most importantly, he will still be doing what he loves, and an added bonus is that they'll fly him to DC 4x/year. We were calmly facing the possibility of being unemployed for an unknown period of time, but we are completely embracing the huge relief that we're feeling! It still doesn't feel like we can relax after being so financially tense, but it's nice to know that a paycheck will be coming soon.

It's all been good timing given that I cannot fit into my clothes anymore at all. I have two pairs of maternity jeans and two maternity shirts that I wear as a uniform since that's all that fits. I bought them in DC when we visited and still had jobs - had I known we'd be financially tighter soon, I would not have bought both shirts in black! Finally, I was able to visit a maternity store and buy a few shirts that do not make me look goth (just fat) :)

Oh, and we heard Firecracker's heartbeat for the first time yesterday (that's the nickname since we're due on the 4th of July)! Meet Firecracker:

Ready to go home...again.

We have been staying out at my dad's place taking care of my elderly grandma while he and his wife are away for a few days. Caring for an elderly grandma with early signs of dementia is probably not that far off from caring for a child with a WILD imagination, or a teenager with whom there is just no reasoning. She is completely lucid and normal, but then she will start to talk about super crazy stuff that is just not happening. When she starts to do the paranoia thing, there is just no consoling her - you can only shake your head and let her know that you're listening. It is very sad to watch her be so scared about things that aren't happening and not be able to calm her.

But on the bright side, we've had a nice stay out here in the hill country. It was like a little winter getaway with a nice back porch over looking the hill country, lots of deer right up close and a big screen TV. We limited ourselves to like 1.5 movies per night, forcing ourselves not to turn it on until like 8pm, and not to watch it past 11:30. It's hard to stop watching good movies like American Gangster, Forrest Gump, Cold Mountain and Knocked-Up...I am SO GLAD we don't have a TV!

The deer in my dad's backyard.



Scrabble with Grandma.

But after spending 10 days in DC and 4 days out here, we are definitely ready to be in our own house for awhile. Eating when pregnant and sick is so much easier at your own place. My dad's place is pretty far away from a grocery store, so there's no running out to grab something when everything in the house makes you want to throw-up. But I was glad to see that his grocery store carried some organic products. Though we are in Austin where Organic is God, we are still out in the country where BBQ beats all.

My nausea still comes and goes but I'm grateful that it's not as bad as it was. Now that I am more stabilized, I am going to try to limit myself in some of the things that I'm craving. For instance, I CANNOT get the image of a chocolate pie out of my head today. Last night it was watermelon and sour cream (not together, thank goodness), and today it's pie. When my dad comes in from the airport, we are supposed to get lunch in the hill country (a town down the road called Dripping Springs), and we will eat at a precious little bakery known for its pies. So I may not be able to pass up satisfying this craving today (I pray they have chocolate pie), but I am going to try not to give into every craving that crosses my mind, especially if it's going to affect my thighs. Because our baby will be born in July, I will save the watermelon cravings for summertime. You will probably find me in some pool somewhere with a huge plate of watermelon through all of June. The consistent thing that I often crave is some variety of grapefruit, whether it's the actual thing, or a grapefruit-flavored soda or grapefruit Popcicles. Something about the sourness calms my nausea and satisfies my sweet tooth, too. Hail the mighty grapefruit!

It won't be long before we have to pack our bags up again and head to California for a week to see Erik's mom (which we are way excited about - we leave on New Year's Eve), but until then, we look forward to a little bit of routine and R&R at home.

Recess

Ever noticed how the word "recess" is in "recession"? I like to think of it as Erik taking a "recess" from work. Since he was laid-off last week, he has not "played" at all (as one might do at recess), but instead has prepared incessantly for interviews and the chance that he might make a connection. He studies his code, he works on updating his website, he polishes his resume and he paces endlessly. His staring off into space has finally subsided as the shock of being laid-off wares off. And nothing has touched his playful spirit, positive attitude and the complete desire to be productive and working on something cool! As I type, he is in the other room on a follow-up call for an interview he had on Friday... Can't wait to hear how it goes!

I am wrapping up a day of work, and now that Erik is not working at his desk, I have somehow lost motivation to work at mine. I haven't felt great the past couple of days, so I have worked on my laptop with my stack of papers right in the bed. I have never felt so lazy (and comfortable) in my life. I used to get up, shower and get fully dressed just to go sit in the other room and work. But lately I'm all about working in jammies and using pillows as my desk. Maybe when Erik returns to his routine, I will find it in myself to return to mine.

Until then, I am trying not to eat stupid things. For one, I almost ate a huge ball of cookie dough last night which has raw eggs in it - a huge no-no. Instead, I had a piece of cold pizza, forgetting to pick all of the cold meat off of it which is another HUGE no-no (and even eating what cold meat has touched is a no-no). I am not so freaked out as much as I am just dumbfounded at how I can outright forget these rules so easily. If I don't watch out, I'll soon be at a sushi bar eating California rolls and washing it down with a beer.

When I am feeling well (and not throwing up), I almost forget that I am pregnant. We don't sit around talking about baby names or how we will raise our kids. I don't look at magazines at night looking for inspiration for the baby room. It's almost funny how little we DO talk about it. Maybe it's because not being sick is such a nice relief that it's nice to talk about other things.

But then there are those moments when I remember that I'm pregnant (and not just sick), and there are those times that we do talk about it. I can see the change in my belly, and breasts and hair, and I can feel my heartbeat stronger within my body. My veins are more blue and they remind me of the important job they are doing. My thirst is constantly off the chart due to the increasing amount of blood that I'm producing. Sometimes I look down and press all over my belly to feel the difference, and I am just now beginning to feel that it's not just my regular PMS bloating - it's different. And now at 3 months, the baby is swimming around freely in there, and even sucking its thumb - something I am supposed to be able to feel pretty soon. But right now, I am enjoying the mystery that I am sort of subtly reminded of as it takes place within my body.

Erik makes an effort to sing and talk to the baby, telling it updates about what we've done that day or how we're so excited. They say that the mother and father should always sing and read to the baby, even in the womb. I have been a little shy about this and I kind of do it in private, but Erik has been great about it. He just walks right up, lifts my shirt up and starts talking. I'm glad we are such close friends as partners or this could be really awkward...

Randomly, I just had a craving for veggies and tofu from a place on the "drag" on campus called Veggie Heaven. I haven't eaten there since I was in college...where do these things come from?! Last night our house guest was telling us about how his wife would wake up at 2am and send him out for ice cream or whatever it was that she "had to have". He said this was toward the end of the pregnancy when she was pretty uncomfortable and couldn't sleep. I am happy that I am still happily sleeping (though I didn't much last night), and my cravings take place between 7am-10pm. Erik has so much to look forward to...

10 Weeks

We went back to DC and Cumberland, MD for 10 days for the Thanksgiving holiday, and what a great trip. We didn't do anything spectacular, but it was great to be back in the old neighborhood and frequenting the old haunts. And so good to see family and friends. Honestly, it was a little harder on my emotions than I expected (because I miss it way too much), but my return to Austin was easier than I expected, too, so it all worked out.

Mainly, I love DC during this time of year, and was reminiscing about our old life there, one that would be hard to have with kids. Making the transition to Austin has been so much harder on me than I thought and so much easier on Erik than I expected. He is the one that is constantly convincing me that we did the right thing and that he definitely prefers working from home in Austin (and visiting DC) than commuting into DC everyday from the suburbs (which would have been the plan with kids if we had bought a place there). I just could not get that through my head until we landed back in Austin and took a cab to our neighborhood.

I was finally genuinely happy to be home, and the house finally felt like ours (for the first time to me). As we walked in, I was glad to see that no one had broken in, and I was relieved to finally lay my eyes (and my body) on our own bed. I was happy to wake-up to bright sunshine in the morning, and I was amazed that our trees were completely bare and had finally lost all of their leaves (Erik wasn't too thrilled about the raking...). I was glad to hop in the car and go to our favorite places to eat and to do some grocery shopping in amazing downtown Austin. I am not sure what finally clicked, but I am now embracing our move instead of constantly regretting it.

While I loved our apt and Dupont Circle, I was pretty tired of looking out the window and seeing parked cars above us! I also know that we could not have had there what we have here. As Erik says, we would either be renting an apt in a different (bad) neighborhood , and we wouldn't have been able to even qualify to buy an overpriced house in the burbs (barely qualified for what we got in Austin). All in all, I think our quality of life will be better here, and I am finally excited about embarking on our Austin adventure!

Now that I am 10 weeks pregnant, I am fully embracing the quiet comfort of our new home. Just the convenience of a not so cramped kitchen (like counter and storage space) can make a big difference when you're roaming the kitchen for an easy meal and trying not to yak on yourself. Our kitchen in Dupont was so big compared to other Dupont kitchens, but it had it's issues. For instance, you had to back-in ass-first between the fridge and the cabinets to get pots out of the cupboard. There was a huge pipe that ran through the entire house that was our heat source, but its existence in the kitchen made it almost unbearable to be in there in the winter (and you can forget about baking...anytime of year). The linoleum (yes, linoleum) had turned to a pee color and looked like I had already yacked on it. And while we were sooooo lucky to have windows at all, the view was tires and tailpipes.

Our new kitchen is pretty dated and ugly (blue Formica counter tops with a pink Formica backslash that is somehow all one piece...?), but it is so nice and open, and we no longer dread cooking since we don't have to prepare an entire meal on a cutting board-sized counter top. Honestly, Erik has been doing all of the cooking lately. I was in there quite a bit when we first moved in, but with my latest food aversions, I can barely stand the site of most food unless it suddenly appears in front of me somehow and then is suddenly eaten. The smell of the dishes (no matter how bad or few) makes me turn green, and I often spray the entire sink with a natural cleaning product that smells like basil (I've wanted to spray Erik with it a couple of times, but he prefers showers). He was basically dismissed from cooking those wonderfully elaborate home cooked meals he was making because my appetite has been reduced to wanting canned tomato soup, oatmeal, grilled cheese with mayo and pickles, pimento cheese sandwiches and Popsicles. Refried beans and rice make it to the list sometimes - oh, and Thai food of all things - but mainly the kindergartner in me comes out for mealtime (did I mention that I searched the entire Whole Foods for an authentic can of Spaghettios?).

Erik has been so amazingly supportive during this rough "morning sickness" stage. Early on I learned that I cannot get out of the bed without eating first or I'll be sick for hours. So he leaps up every morning to refill my water and to make whatever crazy thing I feel that I can stomach (oatmeal, cornflakes, breakfast tacos, whatever). Thanks to a nice package that his dad sent us, we even have a white wooden tray for eating breakfast in bed! Too bad my only feeling is to throw-up or it would be like staying in a B&B for 3 months! He never complains, he never suggests that maybe I might be ok to get it myself this time. He never assumes that the nausea is anything less than the worst case. I am so lucky to have this support right now. And I still can't believe that Erik is my partner for life - makes me cry every time I realize it.

During the rest of the day, the nausea comes and goes without reason or warning. Doing too much in one day or at one time definitely contributes to my susceptibility to it, so I've learned to chill WAY out. I used to run circles around myself, and now I'm like a 2-errands-at-a-time kind of girl.

I would say the biggest challenge right now is sticking to a workout routine (oh, and not throwing-up in general). I started one up when we got here, but then I got pregnant and sick. I started it up again despite the sickness (forcing myself to walk), but then we traveled for 10 days and it all went out the window. So I'm hoping that I may be able to get back on track this week. It's not only important for my body, but it's great for my mental health and it's so important for pregnancy (as is throwing up apparently).

Clothes have been challenging, too. With all of the craziness around moving and staying with other people when we gave our apt up, we both got out of our exercise routines, and I was not in great shape when I got pregnant. So my regular clothes were already a little tight, and now they're just a thing of the past. The books are all about embracing your new body and accepting that the creation of life is the focus and that it's beautiful. But it doesn't make it any less frustrating when it's your thighs and butt growing more than your belly, especially after only being able to eat white things (my middle name is now "Rice cake"). The economic times prevent me from being able to adjust my wardrobe to my "beautiful body", so don't be too alarmed when I literally start turning old sheets into MC Hammer pants (in floral)!

But being pregnant is an amazing experience overall, and we are very excited! Sharing the big news with our family and friends has been really great. While I complain and make jokes about the overall challenges of this time (moving, buying our first house and getting pregnant all in like 3 months), it is an incredibly joyful time and I am so grateful that this is my life. We are looking forward to sharing this time with you and staying connected to our friends and relatives. Having children is a humbling experience, and it's good to have you all interested and involved!

C-Sections, Birthdays and Painting, OH MY!

My family has been keeping us very busy to say the least. Between babysitting, birthdays and general visits, we are always on the run, but it's nice to be around family again.

The latest member of the family was born last week. My sister had an emergency C-section early Thursday morning due to an early breech baby girl trying to come out with one foot first. Arriving at the hospital in an ambulance and being knocked out with general anesthesia (no time for an epidural) is a stark contrast to the 3 natural home births she's had with the other children. But we're happy to have a safe mama, and a safe Angela Francine (all 7 lbs 11 oz of her).

Do you see the resemblance?

As you can see, all systems are finally go with the pictures, and as promised, here are some pictures of the house. We have not unpacked at all because we are still in the process of painting, and we don't want to paint around everything, so it stays in the boxes for now. There is also a general bareness because we are starting over with furniture (as in, we hardly have any). But we have picked up a few pieces from flea markets/used furniture stores, and one room is finally coming together!

Erik did a great job of arranging furniture and painting!

The futon has an off-white cover flung over it while we decide if we're ever actually going to put the darn thing on...

Nice, tall ceilings - hard to paint...


Screened-in porch off of our bedroom :)



We added those 3 lovely doors (in place of a small not-lovely window). The ladder is out because Erik cleaned out the gutters (fun).

We painted another room tonight and have started to take some wallpaper down in the bathroom (it is so ugly), so I'll put more pics up very soon!