The Hulk

In my attempt to be "green", I feel that I am slowly becoming the Hulk.

So honestly, I don't know the first thing about the Hulk except that he is green. If I am able to get pregnant, I will be green with nausea, but hopefully I will at least be puking in a very clean and green environment! I'm assuming the Hulk can relate... No?? OK, well maybe others can then...

And so it begins. My subway rides are now consumed by reading a book about all the crap that surrounds me that will ultimately pose a threat to either my baby's or my own life. And while it's not written so dramatically, that's pretty much it in a nutshell. As I look around at the things in my apt that my book says to rid of, I wonder just where on earth do you start? But I am not actually so overwhelmed - I start little by little, enjoying the clean-out process and the learning experience (with a side of panic and confusion).

For instance, my hair products: gotta go. My GOD - I have never read the label of the Bumble & Bumble curl-whatever-whatever, and now that I have, I can't believe I put it in my hair! I hate to be dramatic, but seriously - what is all of that shit?! Whatever it is, it works a miracle on my hair, but it's time to go. Goodbye Bumble & Bumble and hello Burt's Bees. At least Burt's Bees is a little bit cheaper (even if I do look like a hippie with bad hair, but what's new?).

While we had already made the laundry detergent and household cleaning products switch to a more natural brand, we still haven't exactly thrown out the Tilex...it's still there (just in case)...we just don't use it. But it's time to go. Goodbye Tilex and hello vinegar and water.

And what in the hell is this apt floor painted with anyway?? Lead paint I presume (like the rest of the building was until just recently - that's another story about how we had to move out for a week after the outside of the building was sand-blasted into our apt and we all got lead poisoning...did I mention we're moving?!). Thanks to my book, I know where to send a paint chip to get it tested for lead. Honestly, I can't believe I'm doing it either, but it's very important and I'm not messing around with the dangers of this old apt anymore. It was cool for just us, but a developing fetus is most affected by these things.

There are so many things to learn about surrounding plastics and other chemicals, not to mention the right kind of water filters and other things. Sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed, but other times I am relieved to have a handbook that tells it like it is and suggests how to "detox" your environment. I look forward to doing as much as possible for once and for all - something I've really wanted to do, and really believe in anyway.

The body is coming along, too. There are obviously many things that have to change about your eating habits once pregnant, like the kinds of fish you eat (if you choose to eat it at all - it's almost easier to avoid it), and not eating deli meat or meat/chicken that is not fully cooked and heated over XX degrees. So that cold chicken breast from the fridge that I just ate for dinner...won't be able to do that much longer.

And then there's the exercise. I have pretty much been exercising 5x/wk for a long time for my health and weight in general, but I have never worked on my abs as you are supposed to do before pregnancy. Not only does it help you to carry and support the extra weight, but it will also aid the birth process to be stronger (there and everywhere). Because my stomach has never been a "problem area", I have never done "crunches". But now I am. We'll just leave it at that.

After having such a regimented diet and workout routine for so long, it's hard for me to believe that my thighs are still not where I want them, and that they will only continue to grow during pregnancy - OMG. But that is something that I am just going to bare by wearing dresses. Thank you to whoever created the dress! I can only control so much, and my thighs have never been one of those things!!

The asthma-thing is coming along, but not as great as I had hoped. I am still completely dependent on a "class-C" inhaler that is most likely dangerous during pregnancy. Yes, it's more important for the mother to breathe, but it's a very scary thing to be purposefully inhaling a toxic substance while very pregnant with the most defenseless of things. My diet has improved my asthma tremendously, but we're not home yet. I hope that a combo of a couple more health appointments and some acupuncture will help me with my severe and sudden attacks.

So plans are coming along well. What's funny is that there really was no plan for all of this, and suddenly working on asthma and throwing out cleaning products has created a reason to have a "pre-pregnancy to-do list" - not exactly what I pictured, but I'm glad I have the option to take my time and be safe. Family "planning".
:)

All is Not Lost

We have been so lucky that our families have gone so long without many losses for years and years. Out of the many family members (especially with divorced and remarried parents), that is a large group of people to have not had many deaths. But this year that changed, and we have now had 3 losses between us.

Earlier this year, we suffered the loss of Erik's grandpa to a plane crash (he was one of the pilots). There aren't really words to describe his grandpa and how he touched people's lives, but if it gives you any idea, the community around for miles and miles submitted editorials to the papers everyday for months after he died, and 900 people attended his funeral. I'm not kidding when I say that I've never met anyone like this man in my life, except that Erik has his exact same gentle nature and spirit - it's true.

And then we were hit with the sad news that we had lost Erik's precious Aunt Peggy after a long, long battle with breast cancer. She fell ill suddenly, and she went very fast. Erik flew out immediately, and I cried and cried as I packed his suitcase because of the suddenness of his departure, but I just kept thinking of how Peggy's family must feel to have lost their wife and mother so fast. I honestly just can't imagine the strength you have to have to get through something like that.

Even though she had cancer for a long time, there was always hope because she was so positive and was such a fighter, and she somehow pulled out of situations that many didn't expect her to survive. So when people assume that her death must not have been a shock because she had been living with cancer, it was still a shock because she had been LIVING with cancer. She still led a full and vibrant life, and she still called Erik on his birthday when she could have been doing countless things (or could have been feeling bad). Even though people may have "expected" it at some point, everyone was still taken by surprise as she fell suddenly ill and was taken so suddenly without much warning.

I didn't know her well, but was able to spend quality time with her at our wedding reception in July that Erik's mother threw for us. She was so kind and peaceful, wise and genuine, and what struck me most was her genuinely positive attitude, and her ability to concern herself with others as opposed to being concerned about herself. It's hard for people who don't have cancer to imagine living with it. But instead of giving me that picture, it helped me to see how her life was moment-to-moment, and yet she was still so selfless, so active and so engaged. Many people healthier than most still don't have the positive attitude or the energy that this woman so outwardly showed. She inspired me to live more fully and more positively. I think she's taught everyone to do that. I was so lucky to be able to fly to CA in a moment's notice to spend time with this wonderful family (my family), and to celebrate the life she lived.

Nancee, if you read this one day, I hope you will contribute your comments publicly about Peggy and her life and beauty.

And then perhaps you remember from a couple of posts ago that we lost my uncle last month - we are flying to TX this weekend for his funeral. Out of his death will come this reunion of people that I never would have seen or met, but that are my family. Because he did not have a relationship with his kids, I did not grow up with those cousins (or any cousins, for that matter). We are all similarly aged, graduating school, getting married and having babies - perfect! Though they had a very hard life being raised without their father, they have incredibly positive attitudes about coming to Texas to meet the family and to make final peace with their birth father. I am proud of my own dad for taking it upon himself to make this happen, and to bring this special group of people together for his brother.

We will also hopefully be meeting our new house while we're in Austin! OK, so we haven't exactly bought a house yet, but after 10 hours or scheduled house hunting coming up, we're hoping to fall in love with something and to get this show on the road!

While I want to be optimistic, I am a little nervous... Unlike the last house hunting trip I made, we do not have a particular area pinpointed, and we've blown our options WIDE open. All bets are off - we have practically no limits. Sounds like it would be easy to work with, but instead, it makes house hunting from a distance incredibly hard. We are considering houses in areas we know nothing about, and you really just can't get a sense for an area unless you can drive or walk through it. So we hope to be quick studies this week, determining whether we think we could handle living a little "further out", or if we are truly city folk and would go nuts without a coffee shop and farmers market down the road.

SMP

OK, so this post is really about PMS rather than a stable marriage problem, but there are few people who like to read about PMS when either they experience it every month or they live with someone who does, so it's a disguise post (well not anymore, I guess).

There are all kinds of "disorders" and other names associated with bad PMS, but given everything I know about pregnancy and PMS with most women, I've concluded that changes in our hormone levels (and hormones) just suck. Some people certainly have hormonal disorders, but the rest of us are probably just sensitive to the drastic shifts. I'm in awe at the people who seem to experience nothing at all right before their periods, barely even noticing that it's on the way. Whereas I go from being a medium to highly active individual to one that cannot figure out my purpose in life, and then being so exhausted that I pray for 8:30 to come around so that I can go to bed, and then once I get there, it's like I've had a shot of espresso. That's just cruel.

Even crueler is the ferocious hunger that accompanies my blues and inexplicable exhaustion. Not only is it insatiable hunger, but it has a craving side to it that makes me pine for ridiculous things like fried chicken and Jello salad (I know...NO one likes Jello salad...including me! And for my foreign friends, just don't ask). If this is just PMS, I will certainly be entertained by my craving possibilities with pregnancy.

Oh, and I didn't mention the hateful thoughts that seem to seep out of me during PMS - that's usually how I know it's arrived. I'll be sitting on the metro and thinking, "If that woman breathes in my direction one more time, I will get off this train!" Or the sensitivity to noise?! On a peaceful evening walk with Erik this week, I almost hurled my purse at a passing ambulance that just couldn't seem to get through traffic. And then I almost socked the kids behind us that had raised their voices to overcome the howling sirens. So hateful to want to hit kids. Erik's just glad I acknowledge my desires and don't carry them out (especially on him).

So while everyone says you can't know how you'll be, I know myself well enough to expect that should I get pregnant, the first trimester will be the rockiest time of my life - several weeks of straight PMS, complete with barfing. I was thinking yesterday that it really is too bad that most newly pregnant people can't just sit back and take it all in. Instead, they are hunched forward and letting it all go, all the while, doubting their sanity and competence. I mean, really - what is the biological purpose of this cruel arrangement?? I suppose PMS can be seen as a tiny trial period every month to expose us to the longer-term hell to come. Glad I'm so experienced in this now. Maybe I'd be more grateful if I understood the purpose of being practically suicidal and miserable in order to procreate.

And why does it have to also impact self image? It seems that I am trucking along just fine, and then PMS comes and I am suddenly ready to throw EVERYTHING in my closet away and start over. A diet of lettuce and Diet Coke starts to sound appealing because my ass just cannot get any bigger in the mirror during a PMS week. It's not a good combo to want to throw everything in your closet away, but then not be able to go shopping because you can't stand to look in the mirror, and you cry at the sight of yourself. Hopefully someone reading this can relate instead of being on the verge of sending me a bottle of Prozac (or a treadmill). I'm not always like this except during PMS.

And then, something miraculous happens. The clouds clear and the sun peaks through, and suddenly I fall completely in love with the world all over again. Thoughts of utter gratefulness run through my mind as I stop to appreciate any small thing, like a nice tree on our street or a couple smooching in the park. The music on my ipod even returns to normal (vs. the classical and light jazz combo that I require to get through my commute during PMS). This reprieve is the actual period, one that is expected any day now (unless it doesn't come... :)

Back from Tejas!

It has been a long while since I have posted, and my excuses are many (that random video of a baby was an accidental post from my best friend - so cute... :). Mostly I blame my recent trip to Texas for not only interrupting my routine, but for giving me a lot to do and think about.

While in Texas, my family suffered the loss of my uncle - my dad's one and only
sibling. While his body stopped living from what may have been a stroke or heart
attack, his life ultimately ended because of drinking. He was 52. I watched my dad suffer for days with lots of pain and guilt, and it was so, so hard.

As if it wasn't enough to lose his brother, he had to break it to his mother (my
grandma who is living with him). There is little a painful situation that tops losing
and out-living your child, no matter how old. As the saying goes, nothing but time will help her get through it, but I don't think she ever will. In fact, the matter may
shorten her own life.

In my opinion, it's worth it to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but it makes you understand just how fierce a parent's love is and all that goes into parenting. The beginning of pregnancy is the beginning of endless worry, most of it over things completely out of your control. While many might feel that their parents didn't do the best of jobs, the sacrifice of parents is often overlooked and impossible to understand without first-hand experience.

Being an aunt of many, I've had my share of exposure to babies and parenting styles, but staying with my best friend and her beautiful baby for a few days in Texas was a good reminder of the intense responsibility bestowed upon new parents without a road map. There's nothing that will prepare you better for parenthood than being someone's "Baby Mama" for a few days. While I got way more sleep than she (or her son) did, I got the full exposure of all the little worries that come with every baby frown, and all the joys that come from almost anything a baby does (except for maybe not sleeping). Ravyn is doing an amazing job (despite her self-doubt that may appear from time to time with sleep deprivation). And I salute her and the other mothers that are embracing the full hands-on approach in a literal sense. You're doing an amazing job, Ravyn! I can only hope that I can hold even a candle to the great parenting that she and others are doing.

House hunting was yet another component of my very busy Texas trip (like the other two weren't enough!). I saw about 29 houses in 3 days, and the ultimate outcome was that I don't think we can have "as much house" as I think we need (without out-growing it fast) in the "hot" neighborhood that we prefer. Crestview is a happening area with lots of quaint houses loaded with charm, but not fully loaded otherwise. While we could walk to a couple of coffee shops and restaurants, and maybe the farmers market - and while the 'hood is filled with my kind of people - the houses are very small with no closets and little room to grow. Erik and I work at not having more than we need, and so part of me wants to force myself to live in a smaller space. It's too bad, however, that I know myself well enough to know that I will drive myself (and others) insane doing this. We have not left Crestview completely behind, but we are "exploring our options" (cheaper neighborhoods).

The jury is still out on the new neighborhood that we are now considering, but the houses are $50K LESS and with 500+ more square feet! Most people would say, "Where's the dotted line?" We are asking questions more like, "Where's the farmers market", and "Is 2 miles to the grocery store two too many...?" I go back and forth in what seems like seconds, but you can see the appeal...

2067 square feet!!

Decisions, decisions, decisions... A problem that I am grateful to have! :)

video of his first laugh!!!

This song just makes him so happy!

Givin' it Up

I previously made a post about our recent health crunch, and in that post I had promised to elaborate more on the somewhat drastic diet changes I have made in an effort to alleviate chronic pain and other problems.

Let's put it this way...

Chips: gone.
Bread: gone.
Wheat: gone.
Pasta: gone.
Bananas: gone
Cantaloupe: gone.
Yogurt: gone
Milk: gone
Diet Coke: gone.
Caseinate: gone.

Making any connections yet? It's hard to see the connections in this list (and it's a lot longer than that). My new diet that is not a diet (this is just the word that describes your food routine) does now not include gluten (pretty much all bread products: cakes, cookies, bread, pasta, etc.), it does not include processed foods, it does not include pasteurized dairy (just unpasteurized cheese 2x/weekly), and it does not include artificial flavors/colors/sweeteners (good-bye Splenda and sugar free gum).

This dramatic change was not to lose weight, though it will be nice if that is a result.

In preparation for baby (and because I was noticing side effects), I got off of what I used to refer to as a miracle drug: Advair. For years Advair has allowed me the freedom of exercise without dying from an asthma attack, and it has allowed me to leave the house without an inhaler strapped to my hand (this is no exaggeration). However, getting off of this drug is a dangerous thing to do because your asthma is seemingly uncontrollable and constant - worse than it was when you went on it. You have to really know what you're doing when you get off of it. So what did I do? I got off of it without a clue as to what I was doing. My asthma was so bad that Erik begged me in the middle of the night to do something about it (and I had reached the point of crying over being so frustrated in my fight for breath).

Nutrition to the rescue! A 30-minute phone consultation with a nutritionist at People's RX in Austin is the reason for the partially cruel food list above, and for my continued success of staying off Advair (and living to tell about it). She was able to determine that I am "sensitive" to gluten or that I have an outright gluten intolerance (like a huge portion of the population does but doesn't know it).

I won't bore you with all of the details, but there was a dramatic difference in my health on many levels once I began to restrict my diet of foods that are bad for allergies and chronic pain. I am not completely cured because I am still learning the balance, and I am still cheating from time to time. But I will tell you that I immediately see the affects in a bad way after I have cheated, and it's usually enough to keep me from doing it again. This past cheat was for my anniversary - we shared 2 desserts that I wouldn't have touched otherwise. While I will probably always allow myself to eat favorites on my birthday, anniversary, and maybe like Christmas or something, I mainly treat these no-no's as if they were poison, just like smoking. I gave up smoking, didn't I? And I don't do it "here and there", so I'm trying not to do that with foods that make me miserable either.

What I am noticing today after a weekend of indulgence (and way too much drinking) is that I am using my inhaler almost every hour, I'm ridiculously tired and unmotivated for no reason, and I'm bloated. What do I notice when I'm being good: I breathe MUCH better (using my inhaler like 1-2x/day), my stomach is normal, I'm motivated to exercise, and my hips don't ache as much. It takes several months (like up to 6) to become completely gluten-free in your body and to really begin noticing the difference. I am aiming to get to that place at some point where I can say that I'm not sneaking bites here and there (and they're usually only bites - not full-on sandwiches). But in my early stages, I am observing the affects closely, which is helping me to be serious about it and stay on track long-term.

At some point, I will go into more detail about the effects of gluten on people's system - it's fascinating (at least if you have pain and fatigue at all). The results speak for themselves...

GF, Baby!

Droppin' Out

Our dream situation was for Erik to have a job that would pay wages comparable to DC-salaries, but that would also let him work from Austin. Other req's were that he would love the people he worked with, and that he'd love the work he's doing. Seems like a pretty far reach after having a really, really bad job where he was not respected or appreciated at all. His last A-hole boss told Erik that he should go look at the market just to see that he wasn't worth more than what Aristotle was paying him (and that his situation was good comparatively).

Apparently "the rest of the market" doesn't agree, and Erik landed his dream job. Now we can see what it's supposed to be like. He now works for a foundation (so money isn't a problem for them), making more than he did at Aristotle, doing exactly what he wants to do (senior developer) AND they're going to let him work from Austin. Oh, AND they're going to fly him back to DC 6x/year. I could go on and on about the added benefits, but I don't want to bragg... It's just nice to see that Erik's talent is finally being recognized and that he's being appreciated the way he should have always been. That bastard boss of his will forever be in my wine club (those on whom I would like to throw a hardy glass of red wine).

See his new digs above - not bad...

And what will Cristina be doing, you ask? The truth is that it's as much of a mystery to Cristina as it is to anyone. But there has been a development in the plot, so the ending is becoming more predictable (but truly good plots never give anything away).

I'll tell you what I do know: I am sick to DEATH of politics and advocacy. If I have to try to move Congress and/or the public on one more thing, I may literally scream (people in the office are about to be startled because I am about to send an action alert after I finish this post - maybe I will just scream inside...like I do everyday...). It's not that I don't love children (I'm a child welfare advocate), or that I'm sick of the gays (that's what I did before this), I'm just burnt-out on trying to get the attention of Congress and the public on issues that should go without saying (civil rights, children's rights...HELLO PEOPLE!). While advocacy in the 2.0 world is becoming more and more exciting everyday, it's probably a sign that I am less and less excited about my relevant duties. I KNOW that it would be different if I worked in a place that actually had resources, and made my job easier, but these are typical non-profit [non]operations that produce typical burnout. I AM OVER IT.

Here's something else that I know: I'm not sure why it took so long to make the connection, but I am in love with the human body and with knowing the things that affect it. I don't want to go to med school, and fitness instruction is not my thing, but healing with diet has always been a side interest (the stack of books on my nightstand will attest). Ask any of my friends and they'll tell you that my "side interests" have been abundant (Pie Diner, anyone?), but I can honestly say that the nutrition thing has been a steady constant. So why have I always kept it as a side interest instead of nurtured its rightful place as a main interest?

One reason is that I didn't go to school for it, so I didn't even entertain it as an option. The other is that I really was passionate about advocacy and politics (which is why I moved to DC), and I needed to burnout on that before I could see this more clearly.

So what does this even mean? Well, it means that I am DONE with politics (unless I can get involved with agri-policy while in Austin, which is highly possible), and that I want to help people heal their chronic pain and bodily problems with diet. So what's the problem? Sounds easy enough, right? Go to school, get some training and start it up, right? That's sort of how it works...kind of.

The issue is that the industry seems to be saturated and untapped at the same time. Saturated in that there are a million different online programs that offer "certificates in nutrition", and other quick educational avenues. The problem is that there is no way to know which programs are "quackery" and which ones are relatively legit. There's the same problem with getting "certified" - the association that seems to legitimately certify people with an extensive test has been known in the past to certify even a poodle (I read that on a quack-watch website).

That said, there seem to be many respected nutritional consultants that have their certification from this association (and countless other associations that all have their pros & cons) - these places essentially get you to a point where you can start doing consultations without having to attend a university for a full 4-year degree in it. Getting an actual degree in nutrition (from UT) is my dream, but I couldn't even apply for in-state tuition until next year, so this is a quick-fix for now. Many, many people go this route, and Texas is a state that does not require a 4-year degree to do what I want to do: consult people on their way to better health through diet.

So what's the plan? For now I will probably take an online program that specifically sets you up to get certified by the AANC (American Association of Nutritional Consultants). I've wanted very badly to take an in-person course here in DC, but it doesn't start until Aug... After I get certified, I will then hopefully be able to build a client list (that is not critical of the AANC). I am big into nutritionist stuff and have not been critical of nutritionists certified by the AANC, so I'm hoping I won't receive much discrimination either. I'm making the AANC sound a lot worse than it is - it's pretty much THE association that certifies nutritional consultants. It's just such an unregulated industry (the untapped part), which is good and bad at the same time - good because it's easy to get into; bad because it's hard to know which route you should go.

It's not cheap, and it's very time consuming, but I can do an online program on my own schedule, and now is a good time to prep for the next career move in my life (like the kind of work I'll want to do when I have a toddler). Seeing clients at home while I have small kids sounds pretty awesome, especially when you consider that Erik will also be working from home - that would rock (separate work spaces required - others need not apply)!

So for now, I am a Political Drop-out. The picture in front of the White House above will be the closest I ever come.