SMP

OK, so this post is really about PMS rather than a stable marriage problem, but there are few people who like to read about PMS when either they experience it every month or they live with someone who does, so it's a disguise post (well not anymore, I guess).

There are all kinds of "disorders" and other names associated with bad PMS, but given everything I know about pregnancy and PMS with most women, I've concluded that changes in our hormone levels (and hormones) just suck. Some people certainly have hormonal disorders, but the rest of us are probably just sensitive to the drastic shifts. I'm in awe at the people who seem to experience nothing at all right before their periods, barely even noticing that it's on the way. Whereas I go from being a medium to highly active individual to one that cannot figure out my purpose in life, and then being so exhausted that I pray for 8:30 to come around so that I can go to bed, and then once I get there, it's like I've had a shot of espresso. That's just cruel.

Even crueler is the ferocious hunger that accompanies my blues and inexplicable exhaustion. Not only is it insatiable hunger, but it has a craving side to it that makes me pine for ridiculous things like fried chicken and Jello salad (I know...NO one likes Jello salad...including me! And for my foreign friends, just don't ask). If this is just PMS, I will certainly be entertained by my craving possibilities with pregnancy.

Oh, and I didn't mention the hateful thoughts that seem to seep out of me during PMS - that's usually how I know it's arrived. I'll be sitting on the metro and thinking, "If that woman breathes in my direction one more time, I will get off this train!" Or the sensitivity to noise?! On a peaceful evening walk with Erik this week, I almost hurled my purse at a passing ambulance that just couldn't seem to get through traffic. And then I almost socked the kids behind us that had raised their voices to overcome the howling sirens. So hateful to want to hit kids. Erik's just glad I acknowledge my desires and don't carry them out (especially on him).

So while everyone says you can't know how you'll be, I know myself well enough to expect that should I get pregnant, the first trimester will be the rockiest time of my life - several weeks of straight PMS, complete with barfing. I was thinking yesterday that it really is too bad that most newly pregnant people can't just sit back and take it all in. Instead, they are hunched forward and letting it all go, all the while, doubting their sanity and competence. I mean, really - what is the biological purpose of this cruel arrangement?? I suppose PMS can be seen as a tiny trial period every month to expose us to the longer-term hell to come. Glad I'm so experienced in this now. Maybe I'd be more grateful if I understood the purpose of being practically suicidal and miserable in order to procreate.

And why does it have to also impact self image? It seems that I am trucking along just fine, and then PMS comes and I am suddenly ready to throw EVERYTHING in my closet away and start over. A diet of lettuce and Diet Coke starts to sound appealing because my ass just cannot get any bigger in the mirror during a PMS week. It's not a good combo to want to throw everything in your closet away, but then not be able to go shopping because you can't stand to look in the mirror, and you cry at the sight of yourself. Hopefully someone reading this can relate instead of being on the verge of sending me a bottle of Prozac (or a treadmill). I'm not always like this except during PMS.

And then, something miraculous happens. The clouds clear and the sun peaks through, and suddenly I fall completely in love with the world all over again. Thoughts of utter gratefulness run through my mind as I stop to appreciate any small thing, like a nice tree on our street or a couple smooching in the park. The music on my ipod even returns to normal (vs. the classical and light jazz combo that I require to get through my commute during PMS). This reprieve is the actual period, one that is expected any day now (unless it doesn't come... :)

Back from Tejas!

It has been a long while since I have posted, and my excuses are many (that random video of a baby was an accidental post from my best friend - so cute... :). Mostly I blame my recent trip to Texas for not only interrupting my routine, but for giving me a lot to do and think about.

While in Texas, my family suffered the loss of my uncle - my dad's one and only
sibling. While his body stopped living from what may have been a stroke or heart
attack, his life ultimately ended because of drinking. He was 52. I watched my dad suffer for days with lots of pain and guilt, and it was so, so hard.

As if it wasn't enough to lose his brother, he had to break it to his mother (my
grandma who is living with him). There is little a painful situation that tops losing
and out-living your child, no matter how old. As the saying goes, nothing but time will help her get through it, but I don't think she ever will. In fact, the matter may
shorten her own life.

In my opinion, it's worth it to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but it makes you understand just how fierce a parent's love is and all that goes into parenting. The beginning of pregnancy is the beginning of endless worry, most of it over things completely out of your control. While many might feel that their parents didn't do the best of jobs, the sacrifice of parents is often overlooked and impossible to understand without first-hand experience.

Being an aunt of many, I've had my share of exposure to babies and parenting styles, but staying with my best friend and her beautiful baby for a few days in Texas was a good reminder of the intense responsibility bestowed upon new parents without a road map. There's nothing that will prepare you better for parenthood than being someone's "Baby Mama" for a few days. While I got way more sleep than she (or her son) did, I got the full exposure of all the little worries that come with every baby frown, and all the joys that come from almost anything a baby does (except for maybe not sleeping). Ravyn is doing an amazing job (despite her self-doubt that may appear from time to time with sleep deprivation). And I salute her and the other mothers that are embracing the full hands-on approach in a literal sense. You're doing an amazing job, Ravyn! I can only hope that I can hold even a candle to the great parenting that she and others are doing.

House hunting was yet another component of my very busy Texas trip (like the other two weren't enough!). I saw about 29 houses in 3 days, and the ultimate outcome was that I don't think we can have "as much house" as I think we need (without out-growing it fast) in the "hot" neighborhood that we prefer. Crestview is a happening area with lots of quaint houses loaded with charm, but not fully loaded otherwise. While we could walk to a couple of coffee shops and restaurants, and maybe the farmers market - and while the 'hood is filled with my kind of people - the houses are very small with no closets and little room to grow. Erik and I work at not having more than we need, and so part of me wants to force myself to live in a smaller space. It's too bad, however, that I know myself well enough to know that I will drive myself (and others) insane doing this. We have not left Crestview completely behind, but we are "exploring our options" (cheaper neighborhoods).

The jury is still out on the new neighborhood that we are now considering, but the houses are $50K LESS and with 500+ more square feet! Most people would say, "Where's the dotted line?" We are asking questions more like, "Where's the farmers market", and "Is 2 miles to the grocery store two too many...?" I go back and forth in what seems like seconds, but you can see the appeal...

2067 square feet!!

Decisions, decisions, decisions... A problem that I am grateful to have! :)

video of his first laugh!!!

This song just makes him so happy!