Moving Forward

After holding two briefings on Capitol Hill, and after a lot of stress associated with the process and aftermath, I am starting to be more comfortable with an identity that doesn't involve lobbying and advocacy. However, the expenses that are incurring with each considered renovation (no matter how minimal) are enough to have me looking at jobs non-stop in my spare time. I do not trust that I will be able to do a full-time hardcore job, such as I have now, while puking, etc. (though I know many a woman has done it - I don't desire to be one of them), so I have been looking at alternatives.

Briefing on the Hill...

Part-time nanny is appealing because there's some flexibility (with predictability), and it's good practice (and for a good cause, in a way), but no nanny-seekers have written me back (they want a nanny, not a lobbyist). Dog-walking fell off the list after I imagined being maimed by a pouty pouch. And so it is that I have come full-circle to the prospect of what I know and do best: lobbying and advocating. My field preference is changing, but I bet I will end up doing some kind of bleeding-heart work for peanuts, with a side of throw-up, at least until my body dictates otherwise. Part-time is the goal - I figure that will cover some home improvements, and my desire to get fun paint on the walls ASAP.

Some bleeding heart liberal leading a group in a march on the National Mall...I don't know her...

After a very thoughtful email from Erik's sister Bianca, I am feeling less and less anxious and more excited about our decision to re-lo. As I fantasize about puffy tacos and frozen margaritas, cut-off jean shorts and tubing in the river, I realize that I've been suffocating my excitement, but that it still breathes deep within.

An incident last night fueled my fire just a bit more. I had a phone consulation with a guy named Jim at People's Rx in Austin (a pharmacy that has nutritionists and holistic Dr.'s on staff to encourage natural healing through nutrition, etc.) - he was very knowledgable about effective remedies for asthma during pregnancy, and the risks of the prescription that I currently take. He spent well over our scheduled half hour, giving me invaluable information that I have never heard about my lungs after 30 years of having asthma and spending time in Dr.'s offices to get prescriptions. NEVER have I heard about mucosal secretions, and soft muscle, and the positive affects of magnesium on asthma, among a breadth of over things. He was very thorough, and so laid-back, genuine and SUPPORTIVE vs. pompous and arrogant like most Dr.'s have been with me about this.

When we were done, I requested that he transfer me back to the front desk so that I could pay for my consult, but instead he told me not to worry about it. That is so Austin! I was blown away, and I can't wait to get to Austin so I can pay him with a gift certificate to a kickin' restaurant.

Something else that excites me (don't laugh, because I am seriously jumping the gun on this one...) is my recent joining of the Austin Organic Moms Meet-Up (it's called something like that) - it's a group of mom's that get together regularly for social things, but they are all women who are raising their kids with attachment parenting methods, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, etc. I'm hoping to also find women that are possibly living a gluten-free life for health reasons. They welcome pregnant women and those looking to start their families, and they include the men pretty often, too. Who knows what they're all really like, but I'm looking forward to possibly making friends with lots of like-minded people (not to mention connections for future jobs, etc. - you never know who you're going to meet! That's the DC part of me coming out...).

I'm enjoying the recent twinges of excitement that have been long overdue. As it down-poured here in DC last night, I put my chin on my windowseel and watched the rain bounce off the street at eye-level. It's at eye-level because we live in the basement and our windows literally open onto the street (the squirrels walk right up to the open window and eat from my hand). I thought about how I will probably never experience that little but strange phenomenon again, and how if I had raised a child here, they would probably know nothing else - how funny! Two weeks ago, I would have wept at the sight of rain hitting the street at eye-level, but last night I just smiled and enjoyed it for one of the last times.

Making Peace with It

For some reason, the joy that came when I pictured a new life in Austin is now lost in my total grieving for leaving this city. Everyday, I have to weigh the pros and cons all over again, just like I did in the very beginning. The pros of moving always seem to win somehow, but my heart only feels the pain of the cons.

It seems that every step I take is filled with trying to absorb the environment around me, often saying softly, I may never walk along this beautiful street again. And while I want to go out and experience DC to the fullest - one last time over and over again - it almost takes an army to get me out of my apt, over which I am grieving, too.

Am I too attached to one location? Is this a good exercise in change and challenging what is so familiar? Why am I suddenly scared out of my mind to move to a city that I love and that is so happening, and that is so ultra beautiful and cool? I could name 20 reasons, but I'll start with one: could I be having an identity crisis?

When I had my mini freak-out the other night, and I begged Erik to admit that he was freaked-out, too, he instead said that he is thrilled to be moving, and that he will have there in Austin (or anywhere we move) the one thing that matters most in life: me.

Again and again, his perspective makes me have to stop and wonder what in the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I also be content with the fact that I have absolutely everything that I ever wanted (minus a savings account...overrated, right...?)? Why can't I fully embrace my own philosophy that life is too short to live in one place for too long, and that change is good? Where did all of this anxiety come from when I was so confident about it all before?

Everyone says it's normal, which is true, but it's hard to tell when you're being normal and when you should be listening more closely to your fears... And hence the long sessions of weighing the pros and cons in my head.

Pro: My entire family is there, and I've already missed so much of their lives - it will be great to be re-integrated and to raise my kids with cousins.
Con: My entire family is there...many of them crazy (have you met my mother?)!

Pro: I've always wanted to grow a garden and to sit on my screened-in porch and shell peas from their pods while watching the sky change colors as the sun goes down. I'll own a screened-in porch!
Con: I'm trading my very highly valued and incredible urban life for more square footage and a yard - is this a move that's true to who I really am? Or will I just always want what I don't have? How can you want both at the same time?

Pro: I will have much more freedom to swim in natural swimming holes, to hike and bike my heart out, to drive to the beach without renting a car, and to take long walks in my neighborhood without having to share the sidewalk with 100's of people.
Con: I will have to take a car everywhere except for on walks (though they are building a light rail - 10pts for you, Austin!).

Pro: The schools are a million times better in Austin, and the crime rate is a million times lower.
Con: ...OK...I can't think of a con for that one...

Anyway, you get my point - my mind circles around and around, sometimes hitting huge relief with my decision, and sometimes hitting total paralysis thinking that I have completely made the wrong choice, and that I'll totally regret it.

As Erik wisely points out, we would not be happy raising children in this apt without making many changes that aren't economical for renting. He says that if we had chosen to start our family here, that we would have had to push out because it's so expensive, and that living in the suburbs would completely defeat the point of staying here (the same conversation we had when we decided to move). Since his job is not an issue and isn't confining us (he telecommutes), why not take the leap?

And so it is that I am crazy and he is wise. Indeed I love this city, but the things I love about it would probably not be the same when kids come into our lives. This location in Dupont Circle has meant everything to me, not to mention that most of our friends live on our street! But if we stayed, our location would change, and everything would be different anyway.

On some days that little pep-talk works for me...on some days it doesn't.

But I had a great discussion with my neighbor in CVS last night (God forbid we should talk in our building - that would be too neighborly!!). He and his wife (a very international couple - she's Parisian, and he's...can't remember), and their young baby are pushing out to the 'burbs because life in Dupont Circle with a baby is not as easy as they thought it would be. They are leaving this seemingly convenient area for Kensington, MD for better quality of life (and they could easily be moving to Paris where her family is!), and they're paying $500K for a house smaller than ours. Well, what better story could I have heard! Suddenly after that, for some reason, it was all much better. I slept with more ease and I woke-up this AM without my usual instant panic.

So just like that, I kissed good-bye my visions of carting kids on the subway to school, and watching a toddler play every weekend on the National Mall. I'm working on replacing those visions with a child climbing our tree in the backyard and falling asleep to a story being read by Grandpa.

I can always visit the Eiffel Tower - I don't have to live there, right?!

Where to begin?

The daunting task of moving looms over our heads like a final exam - we know what to study, but where do you begin (especially after 7 years of class)?

Moving isn't as overwhelming as it is that we are facing many things at once. In fact, the actual boxing of our belongings and putting them in a truck is the most straight-forward part of the whole deal. But knowing that there are so many other things to do is where my mind starts to swim.

It will all come down to cost in the end.

We've completed an inspection on the house, and all in all, I'd say we're pretty lucky to have mostly minor issues. But one of those “minor” issues is that the AC needs to be replaced at some point, which will probably run us around $4,500. Also, there is termite damage and other things that are apparently characteristic of the area (in other words, not reasons to not buy this house), and each issue has a nice little price tag and needs to be addressed “in the near future”.

Perhaps these repairs and their costs would seem average or even insignificant to an experienced home-buyer, but for me, it felt like a decision between repairs on things that I can’t even see (termite damage), vs. the remodeling of things that I CAN see and hate how they are now.

$$$$$

The remodeling tasks are not urgent, but they are what will make me love this house much sooner as opposed to just tolerating it for what may turn into years (especially if we have kids right away). My income is only going to get smaller, if not outright disappear for awhile over the next year, so it seems to me that we should remodel while we can, and be happily poor for ever after. But would that mean that I have to choose between replacing carpet with hardwood floors or buying a car?

$$$$$$

Seriously, buying a car is the last thing on earth that I want to do. Not only do I not want a car at all, but I don’t even know where to begin in terms of what you’re supposed to pay these days, whether you should buy or lease, and whether or not it’s possible to get a hybrid or some environmentally-wise car. My sister has suggested a good dealer in Austin that she trusts, but other than that, I’m clueless. I’ve seen commercials about Vehix.com and CarMax is it? Those seem like interesting avenues, but again, what do I know. I didn’t know the first thing about buying a house either, but it’s the thought of one more expensive foreign purchase that is more overwhelming than the simple act itself.

As exciting and fun as it can be, home renovation is also pretty foreign and can be a little intimidating. Erik and I have particular visions here and there and are super excited about the potential, but the devil’s in the details. We know we want to replace carpet with hardwood floors, but such prompts the decision of knocking down walls that need to come down in order to open up wasted space in the house. The two are synonymous because it’s better to do it all at once so that you have consistent flooring where those walls once were. It’s hard to explain in writing, but one of those walls is in the kitchen and contains the sink – taking it down is a crucial part of opening-up the space, but that would take the renovations to a whole new level.

We had a long talk with our Realtor yesterday (who is awesome - thanks, Ravyn!!), and he helped us walk through some of our ideas. It may seem strange that we'd be discussing this with our Realtor (especially before we even own a house), but he takes particular interest because he wants to maintain a relationship with you long after you buy the house so that he can also help you to sell it when it's time (a win/win for everyone!). Not only is he interested in all of us being able to re-sell the house at some point, but he's very interested in what you do to it in the meantime. It's really nice to have someone helping us that has the same goal: making it work for us and increasing the value.

All in all, I think we've decided to move forward with a couple of things that will cost us big bucks now, but that will be worth it right away. Hello new floors, good-bye eating out (and good-bye asthma)!

Though I sometimes feel overwhelmed with the decisions that have to be made and the costs associated with each, I feel lucky to have these “problems” at all. Less fortunate families don’t have the luxury of being “burdened” with car and renovation decisions because they have to take the bus and they live in the projects. So no matter the repair or expense, I do feel fortunate to have my particular situation. We may have some seriously 80's features for awhile, but at least we’ll have a house with dynamite future potential! And we'll enjoy every step of the way.

While I was having a mini freak-out about how little money we'll have after all of this is said and done, and how it's not how I pictured starting a family (broke), Erik reminded me that many families start off with a lot less. My husband is fearless, and I am so lucky to have the influence.

Priceless.

Confessions of a Messie

Being organized is a highly valuable gift that not all of us have.

There are many philosophies as to why some people are "messy", and why others go unburdened by such a trait. Teachings from parents (or lack thereof) can often be quoted as the reason. Depression or laziness is a popular competitor to parental blame (or praise). And then there's the combo of both labels that will pretty much never let a "Messie" out of Messie Jail (or Messie Heaven, as it may be for some). Oh, and I can't forget the rebellious type, when the mother (most often) is extremely clean, and thus the messy adult child is...well...just isn't clean.

Many that know me well probably know of my struggles to be organized and to maintain. Perhaps they know this about me because I am not good about emailing them back or keeping up about certain things. Or perhaps they're familiar with my closed-door policy: "Don't go in that room or you may get lost", or "You didn't tell me that you were bringing someone home!" (Erik's most familiar with this one).

And so it is to my friends that I officially reveal something that is not just a personality trait, but that is one of the biggest challenges in life: I'm a Messie.

The purpose of my blog has been to keep people updated about a busy time, but it's also served as my journal (first ever), as a record of the times, and as a place to explore my fears and excitement about going into unchartered territory (in this case, having a baby and "keeping house"). And so my confessions begin.

This may sound crazy to most, but my biggest fear about having a baby has been about staying organized. It's not just a common concern that "every new mother" faces, but it's a truly debilitating issue with which many struggle daily. It has the ability to not only hinder one's productivity on a personal level (though work is different for some reason), but it can paralyze us in ways that I am just beginning to realize.

People that struggle with this don't intentionally make excuses to excuse themselves, but because they often don't know what else to do. If you are disorganized, how can you even begin to organize the time to get organized? There will always be an excuse as to why there's no time to start and finish a project that's been building up. That's usually because it is generally just too overwhelming for a Messie to even fathom where to begin, or there are too many other things competing as priorities (ultimately none of which will probably ever get done...).

So what do you do?

The above book that I am reading validates the existence of specific characteristics of "a Messie", not justifying the actions, but identifying the traits and the mantras of people that struggle with chronic disorganization. No matter the reason, there's a world full of us, and there is no simple solution for any of us.

Baby steps with things here and there is the starting point. But ultimately it seems that pretty serious systems have to be put in place and followed somewhat religiously, striking the balance to not have it rule your life. While some may protest that systems WILL rule your life if you take it too far, I would argue that NOT having systems in place is actually what rules (and ruins) a Messie's life.

The book suggests that "Cleanies" have systems that come somewhat naturally to them for whatever reason - maybe because they grew up in this environment, or maybe because they visually can't stand clutter. Whatever it is, a Cleanie is motivated to do what a Messie will only obsess about and never accomplish (and if not obsess about, than just ignore but with the same end result).

And so doing pretty much anything is overwhelming to a Messie because there aren't systems in place. Opening mail, for instance, can be the worst thing in a Messie's life if there is no system for filing, and if there is not an address book/record-keeping system. A Messie will keep a pile of envelopes with people's addresses on them, intending to later record them in an address book or online somehow, but then never get around to it because the pile just grows and grows and it will take too long. And so a system that requires you to do it the second you open the mail (and not ever putting it off) is what will actually make the Messie accomplish the simple task of opening mail.

What's ironic is that with these systems, a Messie can actually end up becoming more systemic and organized than even many Cleanies! OK, so the book says this isn't actually true because a Cleanie doesn't have as much potential to revert into a Messie, but whatev - you know what I mean.

Of course there are many different levels of seriousness. I, for instance, have a medium problem: my house isn't perfect, but it's not concerning either. And once it hits a certain point, I whip into shape and tackle everything (pretty often). But the point is to not let it get to that point in the first place. The issues at our house are small in comparison, but they're enough so that it's time to create some systems to make things run more smoothly. Oh, and btw, I'm not the only Messie in this house...so that has risen the alert from yellow to orange...

My grandmother has been paralyzed by her inability to get control of her chronic disorganization problem. Her husband died back in the 70's, and she was never able to confront the task of cleaning out an entire garage and house full of his stuff. Nor was she able to sell a farm that he could no longer work. Instead, she filled both places to the rim with anything and everything, never being able to throw anything out, and never being able to find beauty in her environment ever again. If you knew her, you would never know that there is barely a walkway in her house, because she is incredibly put together all the time - never even a hair out of place. But her life is another story. Blame it on being from the Depression Era, blame it on the grief of losing a husband so early - whatever it is, it's a trait that has been faithfully passed down to all of her kids and grandkids, and we are plagued by something that doesn't even have a name.

I have never been inspired to read a book to help me conquer this problem. And as the book has pointed out, I am always trying to create solutions that just don't stick. But with the help of this book, I feel that I have entered Messie therapy, and I hope my kids and husband (and I) will all benefit from this paperback writer.