The Home Stretch

Firecracker is due on Saturday.

Someone asked me yesterday what I was doing for the holiday, and I was like, "What holiday?" Though Firecracker has been due on the 4th of July this whole time, I had completely forgotten that the weekend would be full of people leaving town and/or celebrating with flags, hot dogs, watermelon and fireworks.

The 4th of July is one of my favorite holidays. Usually by this time, I am flipping through recipes and planning on making some kind of ultra cheesy cake with a flag on it made of blueberries and strawberries. I am never one to shy away from loading up a cooler and going into the worst crowd so that I can watch fireworks and eat unhealthy food and listen to live music. I love the smell of bug spray and beer in a fireworks-awaiting crowd, and I love the look on children's faces as they wait in anticipation for the big show, eating Popsicle after Popsicle to stay cool and interested.

DC was, of course, an amazing place to see the fireworks. At some point, we ended up trading the crowds for rooftop views from our tall apartment buildings. While it was always fun, I always missed the chaos of the National Mall and walking all the way home in a mass crowd because the subways were too packed. Being back in Austin, I wonder what we will opt for with kids in tow. I will certainly drag the family down to Zilker Park or Auditorium Shores for several years so that we can see great live music and eat roasted corn and BBQ while we wait for fireworks. But I'm sure we will also have some years where we go to Grandpa Chuck's out in the Hill Country to do sparklers and watermelon and to take it easy. Or maybe we'll go out on the lake and watch the fireworks from a boat. If Firecracker isn't here by the 4th, we may be going to Grandpa Chuck's this year.

It's crazy to start envisioning the traditions we will form for our kids. For some reason, it really excites me.

For now, Firecracker is happily content to stay put another day.

And then there are the contractions that make me wonder how content...

So we are trying to be ready! Here's all the stuff we need for the birth (things have been added since I took this picture...lots of things, like a heating pad and candles and other random stuff to help me "relax")! Under the chest is a packed bag for the hospital just in case. This beautiful chest is a piece that was my mother's - something I got after she died. This is something that was in my house when I was little, and I'm so honored to have it now.

Among the pile is this reminder of the many different positions to try out as I move about the house with contractions. Some of them are like, OMG you can't be serious.

Here is the required stack of receiving blankets (8) and a first outfit with socks and a hat.

Here's the birth kit! Yikes - what's in there! This is something my midwife had me order - a customized box of stuff for a homebirth. Each midwife tends to have their own list of things you order for a birth at home with them.

And here is the baby room pre-baby (and pre-art on the walls - bad mom!). There are MANY possible sleeping arrangements, as we were given many beautiful options. Here you see the luxurious organic baby hammock hanging in the door - something that can be moved from room-to-room and that nuzzles baby tightly like your own arms. Thanks again, Ravyn, for this!!

And now we move onto the beautiful rocking crib that was shipped to us from Erik's dad in Italy - he used it with his two younger sons. Did I mention how beautiful it is? Next to it is the like 50-year old bassinet that his mother's side has been using and passing around for generations. This will most likely move into our room close to our bed. Thank you for mailing this to us, Bianca (Erik's sister)!

This is the beloved cradle that Erik's Grandpa Summerfield built for his brother before he passed away. I can't even begin to express how beautiful and meaningful it is to us. It also rocks - so sweet. Thank you, Rick, for sending it to us!

Here is my attempt to have a nicely organized closet for Firecracker right off the bat. Hopefully it will last! I wish our closets were this big or I'd do it for us, too...

Diapers, burp cloths and blankets, OH MY!

And now we just wait.

I am still leaving the house and staying gone for most of the day, picking up last-minute things and doing some "studying" outside the house while I still can. Tonight we take a CPR class in case we ever have to revive our child. While I'm glad we're doing it, I'm seriously not looking forward to 3 hrs of mouth-to-mouth with a dummy...

From DC with LOVE

My beautiful, beautiful former coworkers in DC sent us the most precious gifts for our little Firecracker!!! Firecracker will always have very strong ties to DC with some of our closest friends being there and Erik's family. Even Erik's uncle works for a U.S. Senator, and of course, Erik still works for a DC company that brings him back 4+ times/year.

My coworkers...







What they sent...












I think this photo album really touched me the most. Not only did they give me precious copies of pictures from the work we've done together - pictures I didn't have - and copies of photos of us together, but they also took several new ones with everyone in the office, all with a special message just for me. They also included pictures of DC landmarks that I adore, and of my old neighborhood - Dupont Circle - a place that was like an identity to me. I am so touched by the time that was taken to do this very labor-intensive project. To have these memories all in one place, and to have new ones made on my behalf leaves me speechless.

Sometimes work is work, and when you leave a job, it's just goodbye. But I really did leave a small family behind, and I am just so touched by how much they care about me and how much they've done and still do for me. It makes all the difference when people just take the time to let you know how much your loved. I feel so incredibly loved, and I feel like this baby has a welcoming committee that stretches from coast-to-coast - a safety net of people that is reinforced by SO much love!

A deep thank you to my family and friends at CWLA!!! I hope you are all still there when I send Firecracker to DC to do an internship :)

Dear Baby

Lately I have felt the urge to write Firecracker a letter (as if the baby isn't sick of hearing my thoughts all day long already). For those of you that have seen the movie, The Waitress, you'll laugh at how every time I try in my head, it starts off, "Dear Dumb Baby,". OMG what a great movie.

So here goes.

Dear Firecracker,

According to a somewhat arbitrary arrival prediction, you may be here for real in less than two weeks. You can't imagine the different emotions that have surrounded your impending arrival. Your parents can't quite imagine just what to expect, and the world has felt at liberty to comment on your "appearance" and your plausible behavior. As I've told your dad, pregnancy seems to be the one thing I've experienced where the human race feels the urge and the right to comment on and give unsolicitated advice toward our care of you or what to expect from you: "You take care of that baby now - it's just another little person in there, just like you!" and "You're having a girl, I can tell! Get ready - she will give you hell and break your heart!".

While sometimes these comments can be condescending (like when people say that I'd better prepare because I look like I'm going to pop any day, as if I haven't been preparing for 9 months...), I still listen with fascination at the interest that all people of all backgrounds and color have shown in your existence and arrival. It's truly the only time that I've experienced such blatant public acknowledgement about anything happening in my life. And mostly, I am glad that they understand how big of a deal it is - they get it. It feels like people as a whole are trying to prepare me for bringing another person into this hugely tangled colorful family known as the human race. Your arrival is truly the one thing I've experienced to be fully common and universal. Simply put and overly said, it's how we all got here (so you think we'd be less fascinated with it by now..._).

You will finally get to meet a voice that has been talking to you for several months now. Melanie, our midwife, gently feels for your head and body every week and listens to your heartones. You "run" from the doppler, perhaps because of the heat it puts off or the sound of your heart that it amplifies out to us - something that never gets old and is just as fascinating every time as it was the first. Melanie predicted earlier on that you would be right on schedule if not late, but her thoughts are changing now. After an unexpected visit to see her the other night from what we thought might be "leaking waters", she thinks you've dropped quite a bit and may be headed for the big trip sooner than thought before.

Given her new assessment, we should probably decide on a name for you but we haven't yet. We're not expecting that you'll come out and look like a "this" or a "that", but it's just that we're (I'm) not sure yet. Maybe it will be a nice distraction to think about when I am bringing you into the world (and hopefully you won't have a curse word for a name).

And speaking of names, I changed my name this week to match the part of your name that I do know - your last name. While I always intended to take your daddy's last name (well, kind of...), I somehow never got around to it. So now I have a very long middle name since I've chosen to keep my original middle name AND to also make my maiden name my middle name. So now we will all have the same last name - my only goal. You can thank us later that we didn't hyphenate two very long last names...

I can tell you that most parents start off with big hopes for their child - a hope that they'll be happy, and a hope that life will be better for their child than it was for them. While I don't want to walk into parenting with expectations for how you'll turn out or what you'll do with your life, I do hope that we'll be able to provide you with enough guidance and freedom to navigate your way with confidence and security. I hope that you'll always find a friend in your parents and that you'll never be afraid to tell us anything no matter how bad. I hope you'll be comfortable in your own skin, never second-guessing who you are and always being true to yourself. These hopes may sound cliché, but they are my dreams for you.

Your Grandma Cathey (my mom) passed away unexpectedly when you were just a 14-week old fetus. When she passed, I reflected on all of the hopes that she surely had as she held me as an infant. Some of those hopes never happened for her, and now I can relate to what it's like to have the strongest hopes and desires for something completely out of your control. And while it hasn't happened to me, I can feel the pain she felt everytime one of her dreams for me was crushed. It's a scary reconing.

Your grandma was so excited to meet you. Just two days before she died, we shopped together and she bought you a few things that I will make sure you have. She also gave me her silver baby spoon, something I treasure so much and hope that you will, too. As I am your mother, she was my mother - she's a part of me that will never die, and she lives on in you.

I can't wait to see what traits you receive of your father's. His eyes? His kindness? His patience? Your dad sings a song to you every night that lights up his face and makes you move like crazy. You will come to know his gentle eyes and smile and kisses, and just like me, you will crave his warm embraces. Right now he works from home and is with us all day long - I hope this never changes.

In order to protect your health (and the environment), we are doing the not-completely-but-increasingly-common cloth diaper-thing (you wouldn't believe how complicated...Fuzzi Bunz vs. Bum Genius vs....). Your "wipes" will be rags dipped in a home-made solution (vs. disposable wipes). And we are trying to buy most things organic for you. You will hopefully (if all goes well) be breast-fed from day one (and my diet will hopefully be as organic as we can afford...). Unfortunately, they have not come out with a better asthma drug that isn't Class C, so I desperately hope your are not being poisoned (I tried to go without it...which ended up being the not-breathing choice).

At this point in history, gay people cannot get married in this country as a whole. Our nation is still fighting a war in Iraq. We recently elected our first black President. Gas is almost $3/gallon (in Texas) and going up steadily. We are in an official recession, something both of my grandmas have commented to be as bad as the Depression era through which they lived. Corn syrup and bad agricultural policy from the 70's have wreaked havoc on our nation's health, but natural and organic foods straight from the farm are back on the rise. A serious realization about climate change has finally occurred (in America), and more friendly and sustainable resources are making their way into our American lives, like sheets made of bamboo and biodegradable plastic. We drive my grandma's 2001 Toyota Corolla that gets about 28 miles/gallon (we just put your carseat in it tonight and it barely fits!). Healthcare is a total and complete national crisis with millions of children being uninsured (and drug companies being insanely evil). It was 105 degrees in Austin today and it's not even July (I'm afraid of what's coming for your future...). I buy most of our groceries at the farmers market, but supplement with things from Whole Foods and Central Market like nuts and coffee (yes, your mother is a coffee addict). Iran is having mass riots over an election that are possibly as big as what occurred in 1979. YouTube.com is the place to be (and Facebook). Google is slowly taking over the world, as is Apple Computers (I have an iphone but your dad unfortunately sports a Blackberry for work). Your dad is a huge fan of open source software (and Microsoft is evil). For music at home, we mostly listen to Pandora.com for radio stations that we can customize, or we play music from our MP3's (CD's are still around but we got rid of them and opted to have all of our music electronically). The TV transmitter signal just made the big switch from analogue to digital. We just bought a digital video camera today (from Costco of all places) to capture all of your big milestones - the big thing about it is that it's HD. Pixar just came out with the movie, "Up", a huge breakthrough in movie-making technology (everything in 3-D). And at this very moment in time, you have the hiccups - something pretty typical.

I hope to capture these small historical occurrences in your life as you grow so that you may one day reflect on how much the world has changed since you entered it. As much as the world has changed just since I was born, I can't imagine a bigger change in my life than you. Whatever happens from here on, and as we continue to make history together, please know that your parents have the best intentions for you in our hearts always. Have mercy on your parents when we screw up and remember that forgiveness (for anyone) and love are things that will bring you the most peace and joy.

See you soon...

Love,
Mama

Pregnancy "Best of" Moments

I haven't been that great at tracking the various stages of my pregnancy (as I intended), but I'm taking a moment now to record some things that stand out to me before it's all over.

Day 1 - we find out we're pregnant!
After months of buying and wasting very expensive pregnancy tests, and getting in trouble with Erik over the expense of my anxiety (which I excused by saying that I needed to know so that I could drink wine or not), there was finally a faint DOUBLE line. Just when I was positive that I was not pregnant (but testing to see if I could drink that weekend), there it was: the faint double line. However, it was a test with a very faint double line out of a box of THREE peed-on tests that were defective and showed nothing. I had taken those defective tests much earlier that morning with my precious first morning pee (it has the strongest detectable hormones), and I was very upset that the tests were defective and I had wasted precious AM pee on them. But to my surprise, without drinking water or anything, I awoke again an hour or two later with a full bladder ready for more tests! So after I gently woke Erik and broke the news that I had taken all 3 pregnancy tests (when I was not supposed to...), and that there was a faint double line on only one, it was off to CVS to buy more (with permission this time!). The more expensive tests confirmed the double line that only got darker with another try on the following day. This was it - Firecracker was on the way (and no more drinking).


Morning Sickness Sets In
One day it was a Whataburger with everything but the meat (shake and fries included). The next, it was fried anything from Long John Silvers (as long as it had tarter sauce on it, and lots of it!). Then BBQ. Everyday. EVERY day. And Chipotle once the BBQ began to make me sick. And then I couldn't get enough Pho - noodles, noodles, noodles. And then the infamous pot of chicken soup. Erik quickly learned that when I said I wanted something and that I wanted a HUGE quantity of it (for instance, a huge cast iron pot of chicken soup), that he should ignore my request and make very little to nary a serving or he'd be eating it for weeks. Many beautiful greens died in our fridge trying to make it into this pregnant woman's diet... Swiss chard grave yard. Popsicles, lollipops, Pop Tarts, lemonade, ginger ale, wrist bands - NOTHING helped my morning sickness but sleep (if I could fall asleep), and sometimes the distraction of a movie. But the more sour and cold a food/drink was, the better. I think I stopped by Casey's Sno Cones everyday for months, waiting for them to open for the spring so that I could have a lemon sno cone. Once they opened, I never went back. Such is the life-or-death pregnant craving.


Second Trimester
GREAT for your marriage...


Sneezing and laughing to the point of...
Peeing. It happens. Anywhere. I'll not say any more about that.


Realization of My Actual Body
Trying on a skirt at Whole Foods (yes, the original Whole Foods mother ship with clothes and all...), and seeing my whole self for one of the first times since we don't have a full length mirror at home. I hadn't done that typical pregnant-thing before where you stand naked in front of the mirror often in awe of what's happening. Instead, I did it at Target and Whole Foods (once at each place) before I quickly learned not to look in the mirror when undressing to try on clothes. I must have stood there for 5 minutes straight with my mouth wide open, not believing what had happened to the rest of my body (forget the stomach!). I still can't look at that skirt hanging up at Whole Foods.


Shaving
We have what's referred to as a "weight-watchers shower", certainly not made for pregnant women. I literally have to open the shower door and stick my leg out to bend over and shave. There is barely room for me and a razor in there. Oh, and speaking of the shower, now cleaning the shower consists of me spraying it down and leaving the cleaner on it as if it will magically scrub itself. I physically cannot get in there to do it. Too bad I use all-natural cleaning products because just spraying it down with Tilex might actually work.


Erik Singing to Baby
Erik wrote a bedtime song/lullaby that he sings to Firecracker every night. While Firecracker is an active baby, the activity really raises when it hears Erik's voice. It's kind of funny to be laying there peacefully and Erik pulls up my shirt to sing and then Firecracker goes crazy, making me wince all the while. But it's so precious to see Erik's face while singing this sweet song, stroking my belly and kissing Firecracker goodnight.

Lyrics:

Oh, Darlin'
If your heart grows weak,
As you lay alone tonight,
Just dream of me.
I'll hold you close now,
I'll caress your head.
I'll whisper my love to you,
As you lay in bed.

Oh, Darlin'
Your mother and I,
We love you through and through,
A love never to die.
We wake up each morning,
Our hearts open anew -
Our love for each other
Only passed by our love for you.


Realization that it's Any Day Now (and it's really happening)
Actual excitement kind of hit me in the car for the first time the other day. You'd think that strong contractions and washing baby clothes would make my brain excited and think, "Wow, we're having a BABY!". But honestly, those things don't always make the reality click in my head. Even feeling Firecracker move and watching it roll under my skin doesn't always make it more real. It's real in that I completely expect it and I obviously know what's coming, but every great once in awhile it hits me in a different way, like I can actually experience our baby in my mind for a split second, and then it's gone. I seem to get more excited about picturing Erik as a father while also trying to hold onto this pre-father image of him that I have known so long. I've seen so many babies and kids play with him, taking his glasses off and laughing when he makes funny faces. But I've never quite been able to imagine it with his own kids until recently. So gentle, so good-natured - he will continue to blow me away.

Just around 3 Weeks Left...

It's funny how life is moving very fast and more slowly at the same time. I guess it's more that I'm moving slowly, but our life is zooming forward. We continue to paint rooms and tear down wallpaper and prepare for Firecracker. Now that I don't have work, I start my mornings off with a walk or with a yoga DVD, trying to prepare my body for the marathon of birth (squats and stretching to build up the endurance of my muscles...uh...right, because that 45-min waddle around my neighborhood is making a difference...). I then make breakfast and tea for the three of us before moving onto a major house project or running errands. Erik gets lovely black tea while I continue to drink my pick of herbal teas that either tone your uterus, fight morning sickness or heartburn, or "calm you". With the weather already in the 90's (and my belly being BIG), I move very slowly around the house and everywhere I go. But I am always on the move.

Perhaps that is why we had another day of scary contractions. When I got home from my errands one day recently, they were 5 minutes apart and sometimes just 2 minutes apart. Nothing stopped them but a glass of wine and a little [forced] rest. I slept hard that night and could barely get up the next morning - I think my body totally forgot what wine was... If I go into labor in the evening or middle of the night, I have orders from the midwife to drink wine so that I get some sleep before what will surely be a first-time mom labor marathon all night and the next day.

It's possible I could go into labor any day now. Am I ready? Not at all. If we had the baby tomorrow, we'd be fine. We have enough pre-folds (early cloth diapers) and onesies to last a few days, but we are still without some things (things I am taking care of this week): diaper bag, place to change Firecracker (like a changing-table/pad-thing), a bather, etc. I think I'm in denial about how much stuff we may or may not need. I feel like parents fall into the consumer trap of thinking we need a bunch of special B.S. for a baby, when in actuality, we probably hardly need any of it. But there are a couple of obvious things that need to finally be bought by this preggo in denial.

Am I ready mentally? Not at all. But I'm not sure I can be. It seems to be one of those things for which you just cannot actually prepare. I am still reading books about this and that (though not as much as I should be), and I'm trying to imagine both the "sensation" (pain) of natural childbirth and then being a parent FOREVER. But I don't get very far. Unless I want to have an outright anxiety attack, I try not to think about it too hard. I think for the most part that it all just happens and you just roll with the punches - you're just totally in it and don't have time to even analyze it. And then suddenly, you forget what life was ever like before. Just like when you get married or something - it's hard to remember what it was all like before.

I'm trying to hold onto every detail of what life is like now, just like I did when I moved from DC 8 months ago. I tried to remember the smell of the air, the look on people's faces as they hurried by, the way the Capitol or Washington Monument stood majestically in the background - huge symbols that are barely noticed sometimes when you live there. I didn't want to forget what DC had done to me and how special it was. Now I'm trying not to forget what it's like to have uninterrupted thoughts, to spontaneously go to a coffee shop and read (without arranging for a babysitter), to be able to decide that I'm leaving and not have it take 30 minutes to gather a baby and everything that goes with, possibly "pausing" to nurse or calm cries on the way out. I'm holding onto the fact that I can read when I want or pop in a movie when I want. My attention is still undivided in the morning when I roll over to kiss Erik awake, bringing him to me to snuggle as he slowly rejoins the waking world, smiling and nuzzling.

Life will not end with birth, but the experience of these things will end as I know them for many, MANY years.

Pregnancy has been fun, and honestly, I can't complain. Of course I've had an emotional roller coaster with my mom dying, something that I cannot separate from this pregnancy or time in my life - it's just connected and I'm often unable to think about one without thinking about the other. But I have enjoyed the changes my body and mind have experienced. I haven't enjoyed the extra weight around my butt, thighs, arms, face, etc., but I've enjoyed watching a baby take over what was once a flat tummy. I enjoy my pulse throbbing through my body with the extra blood I've developed to support this other life. And I live for the quiet moments when I'm laying or sitting and Firecracker thumps around or gets the hiccups. I look down at my belly or place a hand to feel the rolling movement of this tiny being moving around in my body. There is just nothing on Earth like it. Nothing.

It scares me to death that Firecracker is going to come out (of my body) and that we will be the sole providers and teachers. The one thing in life you can't undo is about to happen to me, but it's the most joyous, too - I realize that or I wouldn't be doing it. But it's a big deal nonetheless.

Erik's been out of town, and while I miss him in ridiculous amounts, I have enjoyed what may be the last days and nights I ever have to myself for a long time. I've kept busy, but have reserved a couple of nights for watching movies and reading, quietly and by myself. My introverted self has always cherished extensive alone time, but now I outright worship it. That said, I can't wait for Erik to get back! What I am trying to covet most is the absolute romance we share all day and everyday as if we had just met and fallen in love. That's not going anywhere, but I'm preserving what it's like to have only one true love in my life before we both fall in love with another.

As I finish this post, Firecracker has gotten the hiccups and seems to be quite annoyed (moving around as if to try and stop them). How it does make me smile.