Without Language

I love that our daughter communicates with us in her own baby way, (mostly) without the English language. While I'm going through the day, I don't realize it. But sometimes when I'm reflecting on things at night, I think about how the entire day is filled with guessing about what she wants or needs. I am so tightly holding onto these moments of her searching my eyes for understanding as she grunts or yells or smiles while tugging at my skirt. And I search her eyes for approval as I ask, More? Bite? Want down? Outside? Shoes hurt? Mama hold you? Change your diaper? Stella do it?

I love that we have not yet hit that stage where her frustration will turn into a tantrum. Right now, she'll just throw her head back and cry or she'll fuss at me. But she never throws anything, she doesn't throw her body on the ground and scream, and she rarely hurts me on purpose (though she tests it sometimes). These worse days are so close I can see their shadow. But for now, I'm locked in this moment of sweet baby translations.

Erik and I laugh in amazement when she understands something we didn't realize she knew. It really is incredible the way babies pick things up so fast. I told her one time, Walk backwards. And she did it. I feel like she understands almost everything I say. And when Daddy and I talk in front of her, it feels like she's just soaking up the words, dropping them in her mental honey jar one by one. I love the way her eyes dart around the room when I ask her if she wants to go to the farm and play with the chickens, as if she's going to spot one right there in our living room.

And now she nods her head "yes". It's this development that has made me realize that the true baby stage is nearing it's end. I think as mothers we experience this pain so that we'll keep having children. But funny how it does the opposite for me sometimes. Often I want nothing - especially pregnancy - to interrupt this precious time I have with her. Sometimes I have to remind my incredibly sleep-deprived self to be in the moment. But most of the time, I cannot escape the overwhelmingly sad thought that these precious days are numbered.

Like every stage has, this stage will turn into another that I will fight to keep close to my heart. But for now, I rush nothing. I hold her as close to my body as often as she'll let me, and even closer to my deep, deep soul.

Boy, Was That Fun.

We had fried chicken, biscuits and honey, locally-grown corn on the cob and pink lemonade (compliments of my sister's business, LaLa's Lemonade). Oh, and over 40 people.

Our friend, Jenna Vincent, took the most amazing photos. Oh Jenna - I can't tell you what it means to us.












































































Something to look forward to. Every year.

I'm One...

Hi - Cathey Estelle here. I only really get to talk to Mama and Daddy, so I thought I'd sneak onto my Mama's blog to see who all these "friends" are of hers...

So, I'm kinda new at the birthday-thing, but I'm pretty sure that my first birthday sucked. Mama had promised that we'd go swimming, but then they took our only car to the shop (which I don't understand, cuz Mama takes it shoppin' every day - I don't see why this is any different). So that meant we had to stay in our crummy house all day, playin' with the same old stuff that makes Mama crazy as I drag it all over the house.

On top of bein' stuck in the house all day, my eighth tooth is taking like 565 days to actually come in, and it was REALLY bothering me today. So I pretty much just screamed and clawed at Mama all day except when we were jumpin' around on the bed or she was chasin' me through the house. Those are really the only things that make me forget about the pain. I can't even sleep through it. As soon as my big head hits Mama's chest I'm practically up and awake again. Mama just grumbles under her breath as she switches me from boob to boob because I'm even in too much pain to nurse. Too bad I hate pretty much everything else she feeds me - mostly I just throw it all on the floor. Unless it's Cheerios (the fake wheat-free kind) - now THOSE I could just eat all day long.

I could tell that my fussiness was startin' to get to Mama because she was tryin' to do all this stuff for my birthday (like wrap presents and make somethin' called a cake), but I kept trying to get in there and help her. So then she just kept movin' stuff up high, but that just made me do other stuff, like climb. I heard her tell my Daddy that she didn't get one iota of sleep last night, "NOT ONE!", which would explain why she basically just started laughin' out loud and couldn't stop, when absolutely nothin' funny had happened. She must have seen somethin' I didn't see, cuz she even wiped a tear from her eye from laughin' so hard.

She did let me play with the outlet for a little longer than usual today before she whisked me away into another room like a trillion times, when all I do is go right back to that same outlet and pull those stupid "baby proofin'" plugs out. I put them in-out, in-out over and over, and then I go and hide them in Daddy's shoes. But what really made her mad today is when I licked the plug and went to put it back in. Well, that just about got me in the most trouble I've ever been in. I cried so hard I couldn't catch my breath. What is her problem, anyway? I put EVERYTHING in my mouth - she knows that!

The rest of the night went much better, especially after I had more Tylenol than I probably should take - boy, did that help. We even shared my homemade pink cake with the neighbors (after I just threw my piece on the floor). And Mama made my favorite dinner - salmon (except I would rather have had Cheerios, but I forgive her since she pretty much let me eat them all day). Mama kept sayin' that at least we get a "do-over" at my party on Saturday, and we can have my birthday all over again. But I'll be honest, if my second birthday is gonna be anything like my first one, than I think I'd rather just stay one year old. Or will I still be one? So confusing.

I'd better get on to bed before someone catches me on this computer. This and Mama's phone are more off limits than even the outlets I think...

ONE-derful

Today you are one.

It seems like a lifetime ago that my body quivered in labor. But it also feels so recent. Sometimes I need photos to remind me that you were ever so small, while other times I am shocked at the heavier weight of you in my arms as you sleep. Your long body sprawled out on our bed makes me do a double-take every time. You are so different, and yet exactly the same.

And what you've done to me - how you've changed me - I can barely begin to say. You've made my heart stronger but more vulnerable. And while you haven't actually changed the world (yet), you have changed my entire view of it. So few things matter to me the way they used to, while others have become my universe. The only way I could know such beauty and pain was to have you pass through me. My world intensified with you. But most of all, it made me become who've I've always wanted to be. I am happiest in this new state of love. The complexities that have developed and have been uncovered, the raw emotion that is so often revealed without my consent - they are heavy matters of the heart that have somehow helped me to be lighthearted.

I will never expect you to be able to grasp how intense my love is for you. I could never even explain it even if you somehow had the ability to understand. But I hope you feel it. Even during the bad times or when you're in trouble, I hope you know my love only grows. But I also never want you to be burdened by it. I want my love to free you and bring you the security of never even having to think about it. I hope that is the gift I'm able to give you every year on your birthday, and every day of my life.

Today you are one. And what do you think? What does your body feel like inside? What secrets to life do you hold so deeply that not even you will remember? Because you cannot yet grasp the concept of holding onto a moment, I will hold onto this moment in time for you, at least how I see it. If ever you should ask me what you were like at this age, that I will know.

Until those questions come, until you possibly have a child of your own and want to know more about your infant self, I will capture you, moment by moment, step by step. You were inside me once and you always will be. Right now, I know you like I know myself. I can't wait to know you forever.

Today you are one. And like the day of your birth, this day will go down as one of the best days of my life.

Happy Birthday, Sunflower.

Too Fast.

Everyone says it. They grow up too fast. It's hard to understand until you're witnessing your own child barreling ahead toward adulthood. That first year is also just so mind-blowing. The changes and the advancements that happen in such a short time are seemingly impossible. From complete and utter physical (and emotional) dependence to happily moving about the house...with or without you.

Stella is standing by herself for at least 30 seconds at a time now. OMG, OMG, Erik and I say back and forth as she teeters and wonders why we look like the dog just talked. And that's what it's like when she says something on purpose - it's like watching the dog talk (as a friend once said).

She waves and says, bye-bye. She says, Mama. She argues with me. She points when we ask her, Where is the kitty? The fan? The kiddo? Mama? Daddy? Do you want to take a bath? Where's your belly? Nose? Mouth? Home? We are home.

We are home. We took this old house and made it into the only place our child knows as "home". She sweats because she's a Texan and it's hot. She loves locally-grown watermelon (as a summer baby should). She loves refried beans (organic...). She hears and responds to Spanish all day. I love all of it. I am so at home.

I love the big city, but my Texas roots start screaming out during the summer. I can't get enough blue grass and twang, cobbler, BBQ, Willie Nelson (and his annual 4th of July picnic), the lake, the river. I love how this southern humidity makes my skin feel so, well...sticky. Supple. I love the people stopping me every 5 steps with their strong Texan accents - "Would you just look at that baby? Good night, she's beautiful!". Oh yes they do. Every five steps. I love that my daughter is spoken to all day long by all types of people. Rarely ever are we ignored on the street or in the store. The charm and friendliness come in gallon jars out here. For free. No tip required.

And the heat. Somehow I love the heat. The radio broadcaster chuckles as he reminds us that it's still spring. I have taken to my summer habit of picking up a novel. I just can't help it, kids or no. I have to have my summer affair with a novel, accompanied by lots of iced tea. It doesn't matter that I literally read no more than 4-10 minutes at a time. At least it's a taste. It satiates my literary hunger. More about my book choice later.

For now, for today, I focus on how sincerely happy we are. What a contrast from when we first moved here. I was pregnant and regretting this house and this neighborhood. My mom died, and with her, a large part of my own heart and happiness. But now, that is the only bad thing that haunts me. And it haunts me. Now that I have the maturity to understand the complicated life that she lived, now that I have the wisdom to understand what matters in life and what doesn't, now that I know the total miracle of motherhood, she is gone.

But she is in every bite of salted watermelon. She is in every vase of fresh cut flowers. She's in this Texas heat, the only state in which she ever lived. Everything about Texas. Everything about summer, and all seasons - she is there. I wish I could have seen it before. I wish I could have treasured our similarities in this way before. The Texas house wife. Now I know.

First Cabin Trip

We celebrated Erik's birthday at a cabin with our very good friends Patti, Tony and their baby Cecilia (she is just 10 days younger than Stella). We celebrated Patti and Tony's birthdays, too, as they were right around the same time.

It looks like we were miles and miles from home, but we were only 45 minutes from Austin (if that). Lost Pines is truly "lost" - a crazy stretch of beautiful tall pines out in the middle of the Texas Hill Country. And I was shocked by Bastrop State Park. I can already feel the tradition coming on...

We grilled out over the community fire pit on the first night. Here the men are getting it all ready.

The girls chilled.

We had breakfast on the porch every morning (note the cute high chairs).

Cecilia was lovin' the yogurt.

Tony had many hammock adventures.

The girls practiced sharing...

...while Patti learned a chord or two...

...before baby duty.

We lunched on the porch, as well.

In Daddy's hat.

There were many naps with babies in the hammock.

Happy Birthday, Daddy...and to everyone else, too.

San Francisco

Little Cathey and I crashed Daddy's business trip to San Francisco. We had two days to explore together before Cathey and I were on our own. For those of you who know San Francisco, we stayed close to Union Square and I highly recommend staying in that area - soooo convenient to everything. Thanks to our neighbor Curtis for great walking tour recommendations.

We started in Union Square...

Walked up through Chinatown...

The Wok Shop

Continued up to North Beach and Little Italy

Ate at THE best Italian deli in which I've ever been...

Stopped for coffee at Cafe Stella (for obvious reasons)

Stella had her "coffee", too.

Continued up to the water where you can see the Golden Gate Bridge (barely... See it?).

And took a trolley back.

The next day we hit the insanely amazing farmers market at the Ferry Building (on Saturdays).

Blue Bottle Coffee...

Let's just say that I went to every location...multiple times...

And then we spent the rest of the day with Erik's sister and her family in Golden Gate Park. I can't believe I don't have any pictures from that... Seriously??

The next morning we had a bath with Daddy at the hotel before he ran off to the conference. The view was amazing from the 26th floor of the Parc 55 Hotel.

Having a sack lunch at Union Square.

Making friends with the other "conference kids".

The night of our anniversary - room service of burgers, fries and the Daily Show...with no talking because Stella was asleep in the Ergo. It's the little things (like TV because we don't have one).

And then we visited our good friend, Ben. Stella is unsure about posing for a picture..

She thinks about escaping...

But Ben wins her over...

And over...

And over. Hilarious. Thanks for a great day, Ben.

All in all, it was a really great trip, and it was the right decision to go - much better than being alone for a week and away from Erik during our anniversary. I have found that Stella really enjoys being on the move more than anything else.