Crying it Out

In effort to not completely forget everything one day (since I've failed miserably at writing it all down), I will take a moment to journal about our sleep situation.

First of all, I am writing this blog post on my laptop propped up high on my desk because I am standing up. I am standing because baby is taking her nap on me in the Ergo (baby carrier), and every time I sit, she wakes up (I think she had sensors implanted in our butts). As I've said before, this is the only way she'll take naps if I want her to sleep longer than 8 mins. While we are working on getting her to actually lay down for her naps (and we've worked on it in the past), the advice out there is not to mess with her naps if you have a bad night-sleeping situation (supposedly the better their naps, the better they sleep at night). Given that she's waking up every hour at night, I'd say that we have a bad night-sleeping situation. But there are reasons. I'll get to that.

My outlook on the sleep situation has been how I try to look at everything regarding parenting: Enjoy it - it won't last. Or: This, too, shall pass. And actually, I really do enjoy it. I can say that I literally feel her take every breath, and when she wakes up, she looks right up into my eyes and a huge smile spreads across her face. She sleeps peacefully and soundly when she sleeps on me. And best of all, I can pretty still go anywhere - the store, walks, restaurants, out of town, wherever. It's not as easy to get her down if there's distraction, but at least she doesn't have to have a bed to take naps. She also goes down really easily since we developed a routine. I know that she's willing to adapt to new things (because she totally responded to the routine-thing), but the key is her needing it. She needed a routine, but she may not need some of the more conventional sleeping arrangements that our society pushes on parents and children.

Stella is developing very well. I'm not worried about her lack of sleep. She is who she is. So she's not a very good sleeper - so what? She will be one day, or maybe not. I'm still not. I have always woken at the slightest noise. I've always struggled with insomnia. I've always gotten up at the crack of dawn because my body has never left me any other choice (though I'm not as much of a morning person as I used to be...). Is it because my mom was the exact same way? Is it because my parents left me to cry it out in a crib, and as a result I have anxiety around sleeping? Who knows. The inconvenience that I'm experiencing right now with Stella not sleeping is nothing with which I can't deal. I have my frustrations and I have my limits, and when my limit is reached, I have my breakdowns. But all of that was the same before she came along. Before Stella, work is what would push me to my limit and I would have a little breakdown and feel much better. Honestly, I can say most of my limits have to do with my hormones. PMS dictates more than I like to admit, but that's how it is - I have to deal with it. Breakdown is probably overly dramatic of a term. I vent heatedly or cry in the shower - that's more accurate.

The truth of the matter is that the push to be conventional is what negatively challenges me the most. Yes, it sucks that I have to basically go to bed at 7:30 pm and stay there for the next 12 hours. But would it suck so bad if I had 5, or even 3, other friends that were doing the same thing? Perspective is everything. Just like when you have a colicky baby, you almost have to seek out others that parent the way you do in order to feel like you're not crazy. I know there are others out there that are experiencing this and are just dealing with it instead of spending a lot of time trying to change it. But many of my friends (with the exception of a few) have very different situations than me, and they will counsel as parents do. We will be talking about our kids and our lives, and the conversation is inadvertently turned into trying to give me suggestions because they feel bad for me. And I appreciate that. But it's like this: they talk about their baby and how she sleeps or doesn't or whatever, and then they ask me about our experience. And then the list starts: "Have you tried this? Have you tried that? Oh, you're co-sleeping...? Well..." In the past, I've almost been apologetic when I tell people that we're co-sleeping, as if I know I'm to blame for my own problems. But I'm not actually apologetic. I love it. I feel fortunate to do it. And I often follow-up my statements with, "But I love it". But who cares who's judging me?

For months at a time, people will pull all-nighters to earn their degree, Masters or Ph.D, but many aren't willing to pull "all-nighters" with their young children other then a few times. Maybe school or work seems more of a justified reason, or maybe school seems more short-term. But that's how I see this stage of her (and my) life - it's short-term. THIS is my Ph.D. THIS is my job. THIS is where I am challenged. I am tested at every stage of motherhood. And because I am not evaluated by reviews from my boss or peers, I have to provide those evaluations myself. This process is maturing me as a woman because that is what having kids does to you. It tests my limits, and as a result, I meet new parts of me that I didn't know existed. Some of these things in me I do not like, and others I have grown to love and respect. She is the boss that's reviewing me. She is my customer. She is satisfied. And so am I.

As for the going to bed at 7:30-thing - no, I'm not worried about it's affects on Erik and me. We have a very strong and long bond that has withstood a lot. This is hard, but it's only practice for things to come. Hard is having a kid with leukemia, or surviving breast cancer. I am in no way minimizing sleep deprivation because it is brutal. It's torture. But we've been able to adjust so that we are not so tortured by it. We will not have this luxury with the second child, but second children are sometimes different - we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I don't need to parent Stella now based on what I may or may not have the luxury to do with our second child. They may be parented differently, but all children are because of their birth order.

But back to Erik and me, there are other ways for us to connect - it doesn't have to be after 7:30 when she's asleep. I'm not being robbed of anything precious that I can't get back on the weekend or at a different time. If we had time after 7:30 where we just "hung out", we would probably spend it watching mindless Netflix (which I love), or getting computer time that we never get. So instead of focusing on what I'm not getting done or what I'm NOT doing, I am focusing on how precious it is to be needed while my daughter cuts daggers through her gums. She is teething. She is learning to crawl. She is busy. It just happens to be at night when she needs to reconnect, snuggle and seek comfort through all that is her life right now. I feel that she is communicating very clearly what she needs, and I do not feel the need to deny her that. Sometimes when I'm very sleep deprived, I may tell Erik or friends that something's gotta give. But I don't always feel that way. I've made a lot of changes in my life to be able to get through this time. That's what "gave". Netflix "gave". I will not make Stella cry in order to achieve something that I'm not convinced is necessary. Right now, Stella does very little crying unless something is pretty wrong (except for laying down for diaper changes - I have no idea what that's about). I'd like to keep it that way.