For some reason, the joy that came when I pictured a new life in Austin is now lost in my total grieving for leaving this city. Everyday, I have to weigh the pros and cons all over again, just like I did in the very beginning. The pros of moving always seem to win somehow, but my heart only feels the pain of the cons.
It seems that every step I take is filled with trying to absorb the environment around me, often saying softly, I may never walk along this beautiful street again. And while I want to go out and experience DC to the fullest - one last time over and over again - it almost takes an army to get me out of my apt, over which I am grieving, too.
Am I too attached to one location? Is this a good exercise in change and challenging what is so familiar? Why am I suddenly scared out of my mind to move to a city that I love and that is so happening, and that is so ultra beautiful and cool? I could name 20 reasons, but I'll start with one: could I be having an identity crisis?
When I had my mini freak-out the other night, and I begged Erik to admit that he was freaked-out, too, he instead said that he is thrilled to be moving, and that he will have there in Austin (or anywhere we move) the one thing that matters most in life: me.
Again and again, his perspective makes me have to stop and wonder what in the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I also be content with the fact that I have absolutely everything that I ever wanted (minus a savings account...overrated, right...?)? Why can't I fully embrace my own philosophy that life is too short to live in one place for too long, and that change is good? Where did all of this anxiety come from when I was so confident about it all before?
Everyone says it's normal, which is true, but it's hard to tell when you're being normal and when you should be listening more closely to your fears... And hence the long sessions of weighing the pros and cons in my head.
Pro: My entire family is there, and I've already missed so much of their lives - it will be great to be re-integrated and to raise my kids with cousins.
Con: My entire family is there...many of them crazy (have you met my mother?)!
Pro: I've always wanted to grow a garden and to sit on my screened-in porch and shell peas from their pods while watching the sky change colors as the sun goes down. I'll own a screened-in porch!
Con: I'm trading my very highly valued and incredible urban life for more square footage and a yard - is this a move that's true to who I really am? Or will I just always want what I don't have? How can you want both at the same time?
Pro: I will have much more freedom to swim in natural swimming holes, to hike and bike my heart out, to drive to the beach without renting a car, and to take long walks in my neighborhood without having to share the sidewalk with 100's of people.
Con: I will have to take a car everywhere except for on walks (though they are building a light rail - 10pts for you, Austin!).
Pro: The schools are a million times better in Austin, and the crime rate is a million times lower.
Con: ...OK...I can't think of a con for that one...
Anyway, you get my point - my mind circles around and around, sometimes hitting huge relief with my decision, and sometimes hitting total paralysis thinking that I have completely made the wrong choice, and that I'll totally regret it.
As Erik wisely points out, we would not be happy raising children in this apt without making many changes that aren't economical for renting. He says that if we had chosen to start our family here, that we would have had to push out because it's so expensive, and that living in the suburbs would completely defeat the point of staying here (the same conversation we had when we decided to move). Since his job is not an issue and isn't confining us (he telecommutes), why not take the leap?
And so it is that I am crazy and he is wise. Indeed I love this city, but the things I love about it would probably not be the same when kids come into our lives. This location in Dupont Circle has meant everything to me, not to mention that most of our friends live on our street! But if we stayed, our location would change, and everything would be different anyway.
On some days that little pep-talk works for me...on some days it doesn't.
But I had a great discussion with my neighbor in CVS last night (God forbid we should talk in our building - that would be too neighborly!!). He and his wife (a very international couple - she's Parisian, and he's...can't remember), and their young baby are pushing out to the 'burbs because life in Dupont Circle with a baby is not as easy as they thought it would be. They are leaving this seemingly convenient area for Kensington, MD for better quality of life (and they could easily be moving to Paris where her family is!), and they're paying $500K for a house smaller than ours. Well, what better story could I have heard! Suddenly after that, for some reason, it was all much better. I slept with more ease and I woke-up this AM without my usual instant panic.
So just like that, I kissed good-bye my visions of carting kids on the subway to school, and watching a toddler play every weekend on the National Mall. I'm working on replacing those visions with a child climbing our tree in the backyard and falling asleep to a story being read by Grandpa.
I can always visit the Eiffel Tower - I don't have to live there, right?!
3 comments:
First, I'd like to say that I love your posts, they reflect thoughts and feelings that are familiar to my own. It is such a treat, not to mention a confidence-builder, to read your voice.
Second, I am very proud of you for being so courageous and stepping out of your comfort zone to seek out the next adventure in your life. You are absolutely right that this is a great place, much as I struggle with this city at times. But you are not going to rural Idaho, you are moving to Austin! And us friends of yours may not live on your street anymore, but that won't stop me from hopping on a plane and knocking at your door!
I have been blessed to know you and I just wanted to convey my absolute support and friendship during this time of change, and after. You have strength like I have never seen, woman, and I know it's hard to sort through all the many thoughts our minds create to make sure we'll land on solid ground before taking a big leap, but I know you will flourish. And you'll have my support along the way!
Big changes are always scary, Cris. I feel the same way about having a baby. I mean, did we time this right? Am I ruining Sebi's life? How will I ever love another baby like I love my boy? Will I sleep at all in the next year of my life?!!! Will I ever have perky boobs again? What were we thinking (or, what was I thinking - Erik likes to remind me that a second baby was MY idea. Very comforting indeed.)
Anyway, my point is that these changes are big and anxiety-provoking for anyone (except Erik James, apparently - aka, Zen master.) I think the reason you felt more confident when you were moving around before was because it wasn't that big a deal - you didn't have a husband and impending kids. You could move back to where-ever if it didn't work out or feel right. Don't think that because you're worrying now (and didn't before) that it must mean soemthing is cosmically wrong.
Erik and I were also disappointed that we couldn't stay in Oakland and had to move to Sacramento. We LOVED that city: urban, vibrant, diverse. But now that we're here and we have our family, I know that Sacto made more sense. Here, we can own a house and a yard. Here, we have family and friends and cousins. There is always someone to pitch in and help us out. I never knew how much I would need that!
And even if there was a really groovy band or spoken word thing to go to down the street in Berkeley - I seriously don;t think I could muster the energy to take advantage.
What I'm trying to say is, it all works out. You'll be happy with Erik and your babies in Austin (it's not po-dunk, Texas!). Take the leap - and stop doing major thinking at 2am! (you can;t possibly be rational at that hour)
Keep us posted. Love, Bianca, Erik and Sebastian
I was so very moved by the comments that I received on this post. I feel incredibly supported in ways that I haven't before, and that could be because I have never really ever reached out (to a general audience, at least) for support like that. It's funny to think of blogging as reaching out, but in a way, I think it must be.
I was outright blown away by how nice these 2 comments were, and they made me feel so much stronger than I would have ever expected to feel from some written words from friends and family. I am honored that the time has even been taken to read this blog and to post such thoughtful comments. Especially you, Bianca - I am amazed that you take the time and energy to read my blog AND to post comments - I can only say that I am incredibly touched. You are a HUGE inspiration to me, and your comment made me feel so much more confident about my decisions. You nailed all of my fears right on the head, and rationalized each one. It really helps to hear from others that have traded-in the hip, urban life for a life with kids that's a little less urban (and a different kind of hip!) - I can't say I personally know anyone else that has made this move (everyone I know with kids had them right where they already lived)... You are an incredible resource to me, and I appreciate your insight and generosity in sharing.
Thanks to you too, Liz, for building me up and pointing out my strengths, and for saying that you'll come see us!!
Sometimes I feel really cheesy sharing these inane concerns when there are so many less fortunate people in the world, but it really did help to get it out and to have the supportive comments.
Thank you, thank you, thank you to you both!!
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