Little preggo update:
I feel very fortunate to have such a delightful second trimester. They say this is the time in between the two bad periods - the first and third trimesters can be pretty brutal (and the first was). But as a record, I will mention the couple of things that "stand out".
I am having some "round ligament pain" in my abdomen. Essentially the growth of the uterus and the lengthening of the muscles to support it can all create a lot of discomfort (maybe not as much with your second child). This essentially means that every time I move or sneeze or cough I have lots of shooting and dull aching pains on the sides of my abdomen.
Sleeping is getting slightly more difficult. I realized a couple of weeks ago that if I sleep on my right side, my arm "goes to sleep" to the point of almost not being able to "wake it up". Then later I read that some major [pregnancy] veins are in your back and that laying on your back or your right side can potentially slow or block blood to the placenta (and apparently my arm!). So I sleep only on the left side now. It probably doesn't sound that hard, but I'm a person used to tossing and turning pretty much all night long - I get sore if I don't change positions frequently. But it hasn't been too bad constantly being on my left. I have a feeling that will all change in a couple of weeks however...
Some days are more energetic for me and some days I literally work in my jammies all day. I am still dealing with depression over my mom's death (obviously - that will be for a long time), so I never really know if it's pregnancy or depression that makes me so "quiet" at one time or another. But I try not to push myself too much and just let the day unfold as it will. Right when I got pregnant, I developed the urge to be alone A LOT - a general feeling of not wanting to be around people or to be on the phone, but just wanting to "nest". It's more of a content feeling rather than a depression thing. But since my mom's death, it has intensified a bit more - I really have to work hard to get myself out of the house and to hang out with people. I was an introvert before but I may as well be out in the country now. Thankfully I am productive when isolated. I never watch movies (or TV since we don't have one), but instead I do all kinds of stuff on the house and in the yard. I certainly don't prefer house work to company, but they are all things that need to be done...
I am constantly encouraging Erik, however, to make friends and attend meetings. He's been going to several meet-ups and gatherings lately of folks that have the same computer interests. He's really been enjoying all of the different kinds of meetings and communities that exist, and he's working on creating his first presentation for an upcoming meeting (these geeks are pretty organized!).
I have been working on bringing a farmers market to our area. Currently we have to drive about 3 miles to the nearest one, and it's an amazing one - they have everything I need and more. But my goal is to help our own neighborhood become more "self sufficient". We moved here for the promise of how "urban" it was becoming - our house is close to the latest and most environmentally developed parts of town. And while there are many cool things (the park and shopping), there is no farmers market or [good] grocery store within 3 miles. There is a growing interest in our neighborhood for the market, and our neighborhood newletter called out for others to get involved, so hopefully we will make some headway!
Now we are off to our first midwife appointment (the other appointments have been with doctors, but we have stopped those and will only see a midwife from now on). Will report on that next time!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Moe...
Yesterday I finally decided on our midwife. I needed to do this last week (and the week before), but I've just been undecided about who to pick. Since day one we've known that we wanted a home birth with a midwife, but with the holidays and my mother's death, we did not have the time to do many interviews. So we've been getting general prenatal care in the meantime while we interviewed and decided on midwives.
The two midwives we interviewed couldn't be more different. One is a young earthy yoga teacher that has delivered babies (and her own son) on dirt floors in Mexico. She's very into the community and has recently opened a hip little office in east Austin that is very close to our house. She's connected to an acupuncturist (more important than it sounds), and she teaches her own childbirth class. She's delivered around 450 babies and is very competent. However, she is all business when it comes to childbirth, and while this works for some women, I think I would like someone with a kinder bedside manner. Her all-business approach seems contradictory to her appearance as a yoga teacher and community person, but that's how she is.
The other midwife is a little older and has about 10-15 years more experience and has delivered twice as many babies (and has 4 of her own). Much to our surprise, she is not a believer in yoga and thinks the book beloved by many, "Birthing from Within", is cheesy. Basically, she kicks it old school: "you can do all of the crazy stuff in the world, but that baby is coming out and I'll be here to help you with that". Her bedside manner is much more motherly and nurturing, something that may appeal to me more at the birth than the other midwife's resume. She is not as technologically savvy, and she pretty much works alone (not all involved in the "community" like the other one). But I like that she's confident and sweet at the same time - not as intimidating. She's much further away from us, but they say it's worth the travel to have the midwife that seems best for you.
To some people, it's a no-brainer that the woman who has delivered the most babies is the right choice. Others would say that someone who doesn't believe in yoga is a nut job. I thought (and still think) both of these to an extent, but I decided to go with the non-yoga lady. Even though I really believe in yoga and mediation (especially for child birth), it is really her bedside manner that I think will be more important to me during the birth and after. It's not like I'm exactly doing yoga right now anyway...
Of course, once I wrote an email to her and pressed send, I started to wonder if I had made the right choice. Maybe it would be better to have the younger yoga-type of midwife that's used to delivering babies on the dirt floor in Mexico; one that doesn't care if I give birth in a birthing tub or on the roof. Or maybe it is better that I chose the older more experienced midwife that will be more motherly (something I'm craving given that I just lost my own mother). I guess we will see!
I am excited to begin my appointments with a midwife, and to end the sterile visits to the OB's office. While the particular practice where I'm receiving prenatal care has been AMAZING (3 midwives on staff), it is definitely set up for a hospital birth, one where you labor for hours under a bright light without your midwife or doctor until it's time to push. For me, it seems so much harder to labor in such an unnatural environment as a hospital, and there is so much anxiety around birth there. While hospitals are incredible when you need them, it is not our belief that it's necessary to give birth there unless we have something wrong. And at that point, no problem - we will be there STAT.
Some family and friends are nervous about our choice to have a home birth. I totally understand that. But we are more and more comfortable with this decision everyday. While I have now been to a handful of home births already, we are still reading every night about what to expect and how to prepare mentally and physically for an otherworldly experience. I am in no way unaware of how painful childbirth can be, and I know I won't get a medal for going through the pain. But I also know that I will have a calmer experience (hopefully) with bringing our child into the world, and won't be unnecessarily subjected to drugs or a C-section. It is obviously very easy to give into drugs when you are in the hospital and they are being offered to you every 5 minutes. I think it's a great way to go for some women, but it's not really the way we want to go.
I wish there were more positive images of birth portrayed on TV and in the media. We are mostly exposed to images of women in the hospital under a bright light, screaming and yelling, saying mean things to her husband and demanding an epidural. Many people are not at all exposed to the beautiful images of natural childbirth, laboring at home surrounded by people you love, and then giving birth on your own terms when your body is ready. In the hospital, there is pretty much a set standard that you need to give birth within 24hrs of going into labor. But some women's bodies labor for a couple of days, stopping and starting again, and this is all very natural. OB's and nurses are wonderful at what they do, but if your labor lasts longer than even 12 hours, they start to pressure you with the options to speed it up or to get it over with.
The best analogy I've heard so far about labor and birth is that it's like peeing: it is sometimes very hard to pee in front of people or on demand, and birth is similar - it's very hard to deliver a baby when there's a room full of strangers YELLING at you to PUSH. Just not what I want. But I TOTALLY respect that choice for other women. I respect the choice to want to be in the hospital if something goes wrong, or even just to have access to the drugs. I don't judge other people's birth plans (it's hard enough to judge your own). Women will do what's right for them and that's all that matters. At the end of the experience, we will all have a baby in our arms no matter how we got there.
The two midwives we interviewed couldn't be more different. One is a young earthy yoga teacher that has delivered babies (and her own son) on dirt floors in Mexico. She's very into the community and has recently opened a hip little office in east Austin that is very close to our house. She's connected to an acupuncturist (more important than it sounds), and she teaches her own childbirth class. She's delivered around 450 babies and is very competent. However, she is all business when it comes to childbirth, and while this works for some women, I think I would like someone with a kinder bedside manner. Her all-business approach seems contradictory to her appearance as a yoga teacher and community person, but that's how she is.
The other midwife is a little older and has about 10-15 years more experience and has delivered twice as many babies (and has 4 of her own). Much to our surprise, she is not a believer in yoga and thinks the book beloved by many, "Birthing from Within", is cheesy. Basically, she kicks it old school: "you can do all of the crazy stuff in the world, but that baby is coming out and I'll be here to help you with that". Her bedside manner is much more motherly and nurturing, something that may appeal to me more at the birth than the other midwife's resume. She is not as technologically savvy, and she pretty much works alone (not all involved in the "community" like the other one). But I like that she's confident and sweet at the same time - not as intimidating. She's much further away from us, but they say it's worth the travel to have the midwife that seems best for you.
To some people, it's a no-brainer that the woman who has delivered the most babies is the right choice. Others would say that someone who doesn't believe in yoga is a nut job. I thought (and still think) both of these to an extent, but I decided to go with the non-yoga lady. Even though I really believe in yoga and mediation (especially for child birth), it is really her bedside manner that I think will be more important to me during the birth and after. It's not like I'm exactly doing yoga right now anyway...
Of course, once I wrote an email to her and pressed send, I started to wonder if I had made the right choice. Maybe it would be better to have the younger yoga-type of midwife that's used to delivering babies on the dirt floor in Mexico; one that doesn't care if I give birth in a birthing tub or on the roof. Or maybe it is better that I chose the older more experienced midwife that will be more motherly (something I'm craving given that I just lost my own mother). I guess we will see!
I am excited to begin my appointments with a midwife, and to end the sterile visits to the OB's office. While the particular practice where I'm receiving prenatal care has been AMAZING (3 midwives on staff), it is definitely set up for a hospital birth, one where you labor for hours under a bright light without your midwife or doctor until it's time to push. For me, it seems so much harder to labor in such an unnatural environment as a hospital, and there is so much anxiety around birth there. While hospitals are incredible when you need them, it is not our belief that it's necessary to give birth there unless we have something wrong. And at that point, no problem - we will be there STAT.
Some family and friends are nervous about our choice to have a home birth. I totally understand that. But we are more and more comfortable with this decision everyday. While I have now been to a handful of home births already, we are still reading every night about what to expect and how to prepare mentally and physically for an otherworldly experience. I am in no way unaware of how painful childbirth can be, and I know I won't get a medal for going through the pain. But I also know that I will have a calmer experience (hopefully) with bringing our child into the world, and won't be unnecessarily subjected to drugs or a C-section. It is obviously very easy to give into drugs when you are in the hospital and they are being offered to you every 5 minutes. I think it's a great way to go for some women, but it's not really the way we want to go.
I wish there were more positive images of birth portrayed on TV and in the media. We are mostly exposed to images of women in the hospital under a bright light, screaming and yelling, saying mean things to her husband and demanding an epidural. Many people are not at all exposed to the beautiful images of natural childbirth, laboring at home surrounded by people you love, and then giving birth on your own terms when your body is ready. In the hospital, there is pretty much a set standard that you need to give birth within 24hrs of going into labor. But some women's bodies labor for a couple of days, stopping and starting again, and this is all very natural. OB's and nurses are wonderful at what they do, but if your labor lasts longer than even 12 hours, they start to pressure you with the options to speed it up or to get it over with.
The best analogy I've heard so far about labor and birth is that it's like peeing: it is sometimes very hard to pee in front of people or on demand, and birth is similar - it's very hard to deliver a baby when there's a room full of strangers YELLING at you to PUSH. Just not what I want. But I TOTALLY respect that choice for other women. I respect the choice to want to be in the hospital if something goes wrong, or even just to have access to the drugs. I don't judge other people's birth plans (it's hard enough to judge your own). Women will do what's right for them and that's all that matters. At the end of the experience, we will all have a baby in our arms no matter how we got there.
I am realistic that anything can happen and that our expectations of having a home birth might be dashed. But that will not keep me from trying. I am open-minded about what I may HAVE to do for the safety of our baby, but I will strive for what I'd LIKE to do. You can't get what you want if you don't try!
Firecracker
FirecrackerMonday, February 2, 2009
18 Weeks
I went to my mother's house in Houston this past weekend to begin cleaning out her things, and on the drive back, I dropped "something" under the seat (OK, a Hershey bar) and I couldn't get it... Not because it was too far away but because I have passed a particular point of being able to painlessly bend in half and look under the seat that I'm sitting on. There is suddenly so much pressure and a feeling of constant "fullness" in my belly.
In all honestly, I wish I had my old taste buds back. I need to stop eating some of these crazy things I crave. For instance, when is the last time you had a frozen chicken pot pie? And how many times can I eat pasta per week? Endless. We have really begun to buckle down on our budget, so we're cooking every meal at home. But I am still having a slight aversion to my old style of cooking. No longer do I want beautiful greens and stir fry with chicken. I want comfort food that packs on the pounds (I don't want the second part but it's unavoidable). Mashed (or baked) potatoes, casseroles, hamburgers...things of this nature. Salad is slowly making it's way back into my life - the only problem with salad is that it's not very filling unless there's chicken or something on it. But a preggo can't eat cold ck/meat (and who wants hot meat on a salad?), and I can only have salmon once per week. And no feta. So salads are kind of lame right now. I need to get more creative with the beans and lentils, but honestly, lentils make me want to puke right now.
I'm still figuring out the food thing to say the least. But the overall pregnancy has been a joy and has been very smooth. We heard the heartbeat again very recently and everything is checking out.
It's so hard to have those "milestone' appointments and not be able to call my mom and tell her about it, but I still tell her in my heart. The other pregnant woman in my Motherless Daughters support group found out this week that she is having a girl. She is also struggling with going through these huge milestones without her mother even though this is her third child. I am lucky to have found this support group of women that understand the devastating loss of a mother. They understood when I shared how hard it was to clean out my mom's make-up and toiletries this past weekend. With every bottle I threw away, I shook with sobs and sadness. It seemed somehow disrespectful to be filling trash bags full of things she used and loved everyday (hair products, her favorite body powder, thoughtfully chosen lipstick). There is just nothing easy about this process and it's nice to have a safe place to talk about how painful even the smallest of things can be.
Erik's grandfather and grandmother said it best in the card they sent: We have been sent a baby to focus our love and attention on. Count your blessings; cherish those who love you.
Heartburn has definitely set-in. I used to skip those chapters in the preg books and think, Goodness...I really hope I skip that phase. But no. I mastered it instead. I have FINALLY learned the art of eating smaller meals, and this really helps. Before, I would just be so hungry and so undecided about what I wanted that by the time I ate, I was starving and would end up eating a big meal. Now I try to reach for small things all day, and it's been kinder to me than the big meal. Not being sick has helped this progression.
Last Week
Last Week
In all honestly, I wish I had my old taste buds back. I need to stop eating some of these crazy things I crave. For instance, when is the last time you had a frozen chicken pot pie? And how many times can I eat pasta per week? Endless. We have really begun to buckle down on our budget, so we're cooking every meal at home. But I am still having a slight aversion to my old style of cooking. No longer do I want beautiful greens and stir fry with chicken. I want comfort food that packs on the pounds (I don't want the second part but it's unavoidable). Mashed (or baked) potatoes, casseroles, hamburgers...things of this nature. Salad is slowly making it's way back into my life - the only problem with salad is that it's not very filling unless there's chicken or something on it. But a preggo can't eat cold ck/meat (and who wants hot meat on a salad?), and I can only have salmon once per week. And no feta. So salads are kind of lame right now. I need to get more creative with the beans and lentils, but honestly, lentils make me want to puke right now.
I'm still figuring out the food thing to say the least. But the overall pregnancy has been a joy and has been very smooth. We heard the heartbeat again very recently and everything is checking out.
It's so hard to have those "milestone' appointments and not be able to call my mom and tell her about it, but I still tell her in my heart. The other pregnant woman in my Motherless Daughters support group found out this week that she is having a girl. She is also struggling with going through these huge milestones without her mother even though this is her third child. I am lucky to have found this support group of women that understand the devastating loss of a mother. They understood when I shared how hard it was to clean out my mom's make-up and toiletries this past weekend. With every bottle I threw away, I shook with sobs and sadness. It seemed somehow disrespectful to be filling trash bags full of things she used and loved everyday (hair products, her favorite body powder, thoughtfully chosen lipstick). There is just nothing easy about this process and it's nice to have a safe place to talk about how painful even the smallest of things can be.
Erik's grandfather and grandmother said it best in the card they sent: We have been sent a baby to focus our love and attention on. Count your blessings; cherish those who love you.
Monday, January 19, 2009
17 Weeks
This week I am 17 weeks pregnant. It has been a tumultuous time to say the least. Since we moved here, every second has been busy and I feel like I haven't been able to breathe. It also seems that many of my biggest "life moments" are all happening at once.
For instance, we bought AND remodeled our first house. The day I got here, I got pregnant. Then we were busy fixing up our house (painting, tearing down wall paper, buying furniture etc...not even close to done with that...). A week after we moved here, my sister had her 4th baby, and we were scrambling around to help out with that. Then I was tackled with morning sickness, which kicked-off with an exhausting 10-day trip to DC. Then Erik lost his job (and got another one). And then the holidays hit. Trying to earn a little extra money and to help my sister out, I did most of her shopping and all of her wrapping in addition to our own. Then we hosted almost 20 people at our house for X-mas dinner.
Then my mom died.
With all of the sorrow, grief and mourning that comes with such a loss, we have also been traveling a lot back and forth to Hico and Houston, and it hasn't even been four weeks. Between renting cars, crying all day and bringing back belongings from my dead mother's house, I feel like I have been hit by a train but am expected to keep going.
I also feel like I haven't had any time at all to pay attention to this pregnancy. It has been a marathon of just getting through every day one day at a time, most of those days filled to the utmost brim with other things. And I have to say that I've been fortunate that our little Firecracker seems to be doing OK through all of it, not giving its mama any problems - I am so grateful for an uncomplicated pregnancy, thus far. Now that my morning sickness seems to have vanished, and I'm starting to resurface from the holidays and from tragedy, I am trying to focus more on preparing for this baby. I feel like I lost the first 4 months and there's still so much to do.
I wanted to do a better job of tracking all the changes that happened during pregnancy as a sort of scrap-book, but with all of the craziness, I'll just have to try and remember it...
I can report that my food aversions are almost gone. I went through a stage of some serious aversions that included doing the dishes. I hated almost all things green (broccoli and green beans were OK), and I hated chicken (after I went through a phase of wanting nothing but chicken). Everything that I thought I would like, I felt like I had to buy in huge portions. Before my chicken aversion, this included chicken soup. I bought huge amounts of chicken and vegetables with which to make huge pots of chicken soup, but once it was made, I couldn't even look at it. Erik ate chicken soup for weeks, and he ate anything else I bought in huge quantities and then decided that I hated. When I was very newly pregnant, I wanted BBQ every single day, and fries, shakes and hamburgers. Thank goodness for this healthy fast-food hamburger place out here called P. Terry's - they use locally grown produce and local meat for their burgers (they even have veggie burgers, not that you'd catch me eating one of those during those early stages).
Some cravings that have stuck around are chocolate and lemon meringue pie. Luby's Cafeteria (remember that place?) is my favorite place to eat right now. You can get crazy combinations of food and not feel out of place. I can get a salad with iceberg lettuce (don't ask), mac and cheese, broccoli, fish, pie, lemonade and jello, and no one even looks twice. My craving for the ever-stereotypical pickles has started to chill a little. At first, I only wanted to eat things that I could eat with pickles (hence my hamburger craving). But now I can actually pass on the pickles every once in awhile. Cheese sandwiches with mayo were a huge craving that has stuck around. It used to be that I especially liked grilled cheese, but now the smell of toasting bread in a skillet makes me want to wretch. I still crave a good cheeseburger, though they're not as much fun right now because I have to order them well-done, but they're still good...especially with mayo and pickles (and onion rings on the side...and a shake...).
Since we have been on the road and so freakin' busy, I have had my complete fill of fast food. Now that life is hopefully slowing down a bit, I hope that we can get back on track with groceries and cooking (what's that?). After my mother died, my sister and friend were so nice to bring casseroles over that we could freeze and eat for weeks, and these casseroles totally saved us. While Erik was gone for a week in DC and I was completely mourning, I never left the house and ate casserole for every meal. Man, I forgot how convenient frozen casserole can be. Actually, I forgot that casserole existed at all - it's my new fave.
We still have a lot left to do on the house, and we have a lot to do with the pregnancy (including pick a midwife), but I'm hoping for some peace so that we can enjoy the bundle that is quietly growing bigger every day. I meant to include a picture in this post, but when I reached for the camera I discovered it wasn't charged. Next time!
For instance, we bought AND remodeled our first house. The day I got here, I got pregnant. Then we were busy fixing up our house (painting, tearing down wall paper, buying furniture etc...not even close to done with that...). A week after we moved here, my sister had her 4th baby, and we were scrambling around to help out with that. Then I was tackled with morning sickness, which kicked-off with an exhausting 10-day trip to DC. Then Erik lost his job (and got another one). And then the holidays hit. Trying to earn a little extra money and to help my sister out, I did most of her shopping and all of her wrapping in addition to our own. Then we hosted almost 20 people at our house for X-mas dinner.
Then my mom died.
With all of the sorrow, grief and mourning that comes with such a loss, we have also been traveling a lot back and forth to Hico and Houston, and it hasn't even been four weeks. Between renting cars, crying all day and bringing back belongings from my dead mother's house, I feel like I have been hit by a train but am expected to keep going.
I also feel like I haven't had any time at all to pay attention to this pregnancy. It has been a marathon of just getting through every day one day at a time, most of those days filled to the utmost brim with other things. And I have to say that I've been fortunate that our little Firecracker seems to be doing OK through all of it, not giving its mama any problems - I am so grateful for an uncomplicated pregnancy, thus far. Now that my morning sickness seems to have vanished, and I'm starting to resurface from the holidays and from tragedy, I am trying to focus more on preparing for this baby. I feel like I lost the first 4 months and there's still so much to do.
I wanted to do a better job of tracking all the changes that happened during pregnancy as a sort of scrap-book, but with all of the craziness, I'll just have to try and remember it...
I can report that my food aversions are almost gone. I went through a stage of some serious aversions that included doing the dishes. I hated almost all things green (broccoli and green beans were OK), and I hated chicken (after I went through a phase of wanting nothing but chicken). Everything that I thought I would like, I felt like I had to buy in huge portions. Before my chicken aversion, this included chicken soup. I bought huge amounts of chicken and vegetables with which to make huge pots of chicken soup, but once it was made, I couldn't even look at it. Erik ate chicken soup for weeks, and he ate anything else I bought in huge quantities and then decided that I hated. When I was very newly pregnant, I wanted BBQ every single day, and fries, shakes and hamburgers. Thank goodness for this healthy fast-food hamburger place out here called P. Terry's - they use locally grown produce and local meat for their burgers (they even have veggie burgers, not that you'd catch me eating one of those during those early stages).
Some cravings that have stuck around are chocolate and lemon meringue pie. Luby's Cafeteria (remember that place?) is my favorite place to eat right now. You can get crazy combinations of food and not feel out of place. I can get a salad with iceberg lettuce (don't ask), mac and cheese, broccoli, fish, pie, lemonade and jello, and no one even looks twice. My craving for the ever-stereotypical pickles has started to chill a little. At first, I only wanted to eat things that I could eat with pickles (hence my hamburger craving). But now I can actually pass on the pickles every once in awhile. Cheese sandwiches with mayo were a huge craving that has stuck around. It used to be that I especially liked grilled cheese, but now the smell of toasting bread in a skillet makes me want to wretch. I still crave a good cheeseburger, though they're not as much fun right now because I have to order them well-done, but they're still good...especially with mayo and pickles (and onion rings on the side...and a shake...).
Since we have been on the road and so freakin' busy, I have had my complete fill of fast food. Now that life is hopefully slowing down a bit, I hope that we can get back on track with groceries and cooking (what's that?). After my mother died, my sister and friend were so nice to bring casseroles over that we could freeze and eat for weeks, and these casseroles totally saved us. While Erik was gone for a week in DC and I was completely mourning, I never left the house and ate casserole for every meal. Man, I forgot how convenient frozen casserole can be. Actually, I forgot that casserole existed at all - it's my new fave.
We still have a lot left to do on the house, and we have a lot to do with the pregnancy (including pick a midwife), but I'm hoping for some peace so that we can enjoy the bundle that is quietly growing bigger every day. I meant to include a picture in this post, but when I reached for the camera I discovered it wasn't charged. Next time!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Flowers
Erik has been out of town on business all week and it's been almost too much to handle. While my sisters and best friend have tried to fill my evenings, I have all too much emptiness all day and all night. I spend the day working and trying to chase my thoughts away, but no matter what I do, she is there. When I approach the stove to heat up lunch, I remember one of the last conversations I had with my mom when she was in the hospital. For the millionth time, I asked her to walk me through her cornbread dressing recipe so that I could serve it yet again for a large Christmas crowd at my house. That memory hurts for so many reasons that are hard to explain - partly because of my regret of not cooking her a Christmas dinner when she got out of the hospital when she asked me to (I was sick). Memories good and bad flood my mind and I can't seem to escape them.
Any quiet moment is filled with her. Without Erik here, I read and read in bed, trying to distract myself to sleep, just to turn the light out and start crying harder than ever. Then I try to read again and the cycle continues.
The sympathy cards are piled on my table, and I can only get through one or two a day. I had several of her belongings spread out on the table, things that I took from her house during the funeral: a music box from my childhood, the headband she was wearing when she died, the last magazine she read in the hospital. Some people said it was good to leave it out so that I could grieve her openly - some people said I needed to put it away. I at least wanted to put it all together in a safer place, but every time I approached it, I crumbled. Tonight, I moved it all to a different room as I painfully wept. Something about it didn't feel right, putting the only things I have left of my mother in a different room, but I suppose it will help to not confront her things day after day. It was so, so hard. My next goal was to try and organize that room (the baby's room), but I can't go back in there without losing it. I just can't believe this is all happening.
Tomorrow I will visit her grave for the first time since the funeral. Someone asked me today if it was too early. I believe it will be hard to see an unmarked grave without a headstone and with fresh dirt (her headstone isn't ready yet), but my sister asked me to go.
After the funeral service at the grave site, we went back to the funeral home to finish-up some things. On the way out of town, we passed the cemetery, and Erik asked if I wanted to say one last goodbye. I told him no, as I thought that I would see a bulldozer shoveling dirt over my beautiful mother's body (I saw it waiting as we finished the service). But as we drove by, I gave a scared glance and frantically asked to turn around and go back.
I'm so sad that she never saw the most brilliant collection of flowers ever on her behalf. I only wish I would have showered her with flowers when she was alive.
Any quiet moment is filled with her. Without Erik here, I read and read in bed, trying to distract myself to sleep, just to turn the light out and start crying harder than ever. Then I try to read again and the cycle continues.
The sympathy cards are piled on my table, and I can only get through one or two a day. I had several of her belongings spread out on the table, things that I took from her house during the funeral: a music box from my childhood, the headband she was wearing when she died, the last magazine she read in the hospital. Some people said it was good to leave it out so that I could grieve her openly - some people said I needed to put it away. I at least wanted to put it all together in a safer place, but every time I approached it, I crumbled. Tonight, I moved it all to a different room as I painfully wept. Something about it didn't feel right, putting the only things I have left of my mother in a different room, but I suppose it will help to not confront her things day after day. It was so, so hard. My next goal was to try and organize that room (the baby's room), but I can't go back in there without losing it. I just can't believe this is all happening.
Tomorrow I will visit her grave for the first time since the funeral. Someone asked me today if it was too early. I believe it will be hard to see an unmarked grave without a headstone and with fresh dirt (her headstone isn't ready yet), but my sister asked me to go.
After the funeral service at the grave site, we went back to the funeral home to finish-up some things. On the way out of town, we passed the cemetery, and Erik asked if I wanted to say one last goodbye. I told him no, as I thought that I would see a bulldozer shoveling dirt over my beautiful mother's body (I saw it waiting as we finished the service). But as we drove by, I gave a scared glance and frantically asked to turn around and go back.
I'm so sad that she never saw the most brilliant collection of flowers ever on her behalf. I only wish I would have showered her with flowers when she was alive.
Friday, January 9, 2009
It's a Long, Slow Ache
I've always felt like people that have passed are in the wind. When the wind blows strong and pushes your hair back, it feels like someone's touching your face or gently moving your hair around. It is a particularly windy day here in Austin and I feel like my mother is blowing through the trees and moving my wind chime. I fear that if I go outside, I may fall apart right in the yard. Each breeze is like an embrace, and while watching it soothes me, feeling it brings on a deep burning in my throat and heart.
It's a week today that I buried my mother, and I feel like time has stood still. While the rest of the world stays on its schedule and rushes by, I feel like I am paralyzed with grief and unable to join the world again. Something about going outside makes me begin to count the millions of things that she will never do again or that we'll never do together: she'll never shop as she used to love, she'll never go out to eat, she'll never listen to the oldies, she'll never see another movie, and she'll never feel the wind. I'll never feel her arms around me again, and she'll never feel my head again when I'm sick. The things I took for granted about her I can now barely utter.
Below are some photos of the two Christmases before. She loved to make Christmas dinner and serve it on her best china and on a very dressed-up table. We would work for hours in the kitchen, and I took for granted how much it all meant to her. I will gladly continue the traditions she loved every Christmas.
2006
2007
This year, she was in the hospital on Christmas day. A huge part of my regret is that she wanted me to cook a Christmas dinner when she got out, but I had a terrible stomach bug and wasn't up to it (I also knew she'd micromanage it and she needed to rest). Instead, I told her that we'd have a huge Valentine's party and to just let Christmas go this year. She had a bad black eye from a fall she took in the hospital, so I didn't even take one picture this year. I wish I could go back and change it all. Everything is so final. And final is so incredibly painful.
It's a week today that I buried my mother, and I feel like time has stood still. While the rest of the world stays on its schedule and rushes by, I feel like I am paralyzed with grief and unable to join the world again. Something about going outside makes me begin to count the millions of things that she will never do again or that we'll never do together: she'll never shop as she used to love, she'll never go out to eat, she'll never listen to the oldies, she'll never see another movie, and she'll never feel the wind. I'll never feel her arms around me again, and she'll never feel my head again when I'm sick. The things I took for granted about her I can now barely utter.
Below are some photos of the two Christmases before. She loved to make Christmas dinner and serve it on her best china and on a very dressed-up table. We would work for hours in the kitchen, and I took for granted how much it all meant to her. I will gladly continue the traditions she loved every Christmas.
2006
2007
This year, she was in the hospital on Christmas day. A huge part of my regret is that she wanted me to cook a Christmas dinner when she got out, but I had a terrible stomach bug and wasn't up to it (I also knew she'd micromanage it and she needed to rest). Instead, I told her that we'd have a huge Valentine's party and to just let Christmas go this year. She had a bad black eye from a fall she took in the hospital, so I didn't even take one picture this year. I wish I could go back and change it all. Everything is so final. And final is so incredibly painful.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
My Beautiful Mother
I apologize to those of you who have already read this message in an email. I'm posting it here for my friends and family that may not have heard yet.
Thank you for your kindness and support during this time. I appreciate the flowers and plants that you all sent as I know it is very expensive and these are hard times for everyone. The flowers and plants were beautiful and just perfect for my mother - she loved flowers and plants so very much. In fact, her husband suggested collecting donations in lieu of flowers, but I knew she would prefer to be showered with flowers. She would have truly loved the site of all of those flowers there just for her.
My mother, Cathey, died on Dec. 30 after years and years of battling sickness. Toward the end, she had suffered strokes and bowel trouble and had pneumonia during this last stay at the hospital which was around 4 weeks long. They had discovered a blood clot in her brain but had let her go the day after Christmas because it did not seem to be growing and she seemed to be improving. While at home for the next couple of days, she ran around the house as usual, cooking, cleaning and ordering things out of catalogues. She was truly glad to be home and out of the hospital. She would lose her balance the more tired she got, and I begged her the whole time to get in bed and stay there, but as soon as I would turn around, she would be up again and onto the next activity. Her balance issues were due to the strokes that she'd had - things seemed pretty good other than that. We even took a requested trip to Walgreen's and we also took her to have her hair done. However, we didn't realize her pneumonia was as bad as it was. Other than the typical shortness of breath while she ran around, it did not even seem that she still had it. Erik and I left her house on Sunday, and she called me in the car on the way home to help her find something she had misplaced. On Monday, I meant to call her after work, but we were so busy getting ready for our California trip for a late Christmas with Erik's family, that I completely forgot. Tuesday morning I got the call. Monday night and Tuesday morning she had been coughing terribly, and her lungs eventually filled with fluid. She begged not to be taken back to the hospital, and while the intention was to take her a little later, she died at home instead, where she wanted to be.
I would like nothing better than to report that I expected it and was prepared, but the truth is that I didn't expect it and I wasn't as prepared as I had been in the past when she had been so sick before. There are times in the past when she seemed more sick and weak than this time and I had been more ready for the call. But I was shocked and devastated when the call came, especially just having seen her.
I can't express to you how deeply sad I am on so many different levels. She was so excited about our baby, and perhaps that is the most painful part of all - that my children will never know the kind and gentle and beautiful mother that I had. I am struggling a lot with regret regarding my not seeing her enough this year and my own inability to see how sick she was this time. I have the deepest pain and sadness that I ever thought possible. While everyone says that time will heal, for now my every thought is full of nothing but her, and I can't imagine how the pain will subside, but I suppose it will. The absolute only comfort I have is that I saw her before she went and that she is no longer in pain.
She wanted to be buried in Hico, Texas where she was born. This is a very small town about 6 hrs from Houston where she lived. We had a nice service for her and the weather was beautiful. She was buried next to her grandmother in the family plot, exactly as requested. I've attached some words about her that I said at her funeral in addition to the eulogy the preacher gave. There are also some photos from a few years ago.
Thank you again to all of you for your support during this time. This has definitely been the worst and hardest thing that I've ever experienced, and you all are helping to provide me the strength to get through it. Thank you.
Thank you for your kindness and support during this time. I appreciate the flowers and plants that you all sent as I know it is very expensive and these are hard times for everyone. The flowers and plants were beautiful and just perfect for my mother - she loved flowers and plants so very much. In fact, her husband suggested collecting donations in lieu of flowers, but I knew she would prefer to be showered with flowers. She would have truly loved the site of all of those flowers there just for her.
My mother, Cathey, died on Dec. 30 after years and years of battling sickness. Toward the end, she had suffered strokes and bowel trouble and had pneumonia during this last stay at the hospital which was around 4 weeks long. They had discovered a blood clot in her brain but had let her go the day after Christmas because it did not seem to be growing and she seemed to be improving. While at home for the next couple of days, she ran around the house as usual, cooking, cleaning and ordering things out of catalogues. She was truly glad to be home and out of the hospital. She would lose her balance the more tired she got, and I begged her the whole time to get in bed and stay there, but as soon as I would turn around, she would be up again and onto the next activity. Her balance issues were due to the strokes that she'd had - things seemed pretty good other than that. We even took a requested trip to Walgreen's and we also took her to have her hair done. However, we didn't realize her pneumonia was as bad as it was. Other than the typical shortness of breath while she ran around, it did not even seem that she still had it. Erik and I left her house on Sunday, and she called me in the car on the way home to help her find something she had misplaced. On Monday, I meant to call her after work, but we were so busy getting ready for our California trip for a late Christmas with Erik's family, that I completely forgot. Tuesday morning I got the call. Monday night and Tuesday morning she had been coughing terribly, and her lungs eventually filled with fluid. She begged not to be taken back to the hospital, and while the intention was to take her a little later, she died at home instead, where she wanted to be.
I would like nothing better than to report that I expected it and was prepared, but the truth is that I didn't expect it and I wasn't as prepared as I had been in the past when she had been so sick before. There are times in the past when she seemed more sick and weak than this time and I had been more ready for the call. But I was shocked and devastated when the call came, especially just having seen her.
I can't express to you how deeply sad I am on so many different levels. She was so excited about our baby, and perhaps that is the most painful part of all - that my children will never know the kind and gentle and beautiful mother that I had. I am struggling a lot with regret regarding my not seeing her enough this year and my own inability to see how sick she was this time. I have the deepest pain and sadness that I ever thought possible. While everyone says that time will heal, for now my every thought is full of nothing but her, and I can't imagine how the pain will subside, but I suppose it will. The absolute only comfort I have is that I saw her before she went and that she is no longer in pain.
She wanted to be buried in Hico, Texas where she was born. This is a very small town about 6 hrs from Houston where she lived. We had a nice service for her and the weather was beautiful. She was buried next to her grandmother in the family plot, exactly as requested. I've attached some words about her that I said at her funeral in addition to the eulogy the preacher gave. There are also some photos from a few years ago.
Thank you again to all of you for your support during this time. This has definitely been the worst and hardest thing that I've ever experienced, and you all are helping to provide me the strength to get through it. Thank you.
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