Just around 3 Weeks Left...

It's funny how life is moving very fast and more slowly at the same time. I guess it's more that I'm moving slowly, but our life is zooming forward. We continue to paint rooms and tear down wallpaper and prepare for Firecracker. Now that I don't have work, I start my mornings off with a walk or with a yoga DVD, trying to prepare my body for the marathon of birth (squats and stretching to build up the endurance of my muscles...uh...right, because that 45-min waddle around my neighborhood is making a difference...). I then make breakfast and tea for the three of us before moving onto a major house project or running errands. Erik gets lovely black tea while I continue to drink my pick of herbal teas that either tone your uterus, fight morning sickness or heartburn, or "calm you". With the weather already in the 90's (and my belly being BIG), I move very slowly around the house and everywhere I go. But I am always on the move.

Perhaps that is why we had another day of scary contractions. When I got home from my errands one day recently, they were 5 minutes apart and sometimes just 2 minutes apart. Nothing stopped them but a glass of wine and a little [forced] rest. I slept hard that night and could barely get up the next morning - I think my body totally forgot what wine was... If I go into labor in the evening or middle of the night, I have orders from the midwife to drink wine so that I get some sleep before what will surely be a first-time mom labor marathon all night and the next day.

It's possible I could go into labor any day now. Am I ready? Not at all. If we had the baby tomorrow, we'd be fine. We have enough pre-folds (early cloth diapers) and onesies to last a few days, but we are still without some things (things I am taking care of this week): diaper bag, place to change Firecracker (like a changing-table/pad-thing), a bather, etc. I think I'm in denial about how much stuff we may or may not need. I feel like parents fall into the consumer trap of thinking we need a bunch of special B.S. for a baby, when in actuality, we probably hardly need any of it. But there are a couple of obvious things that need to finally be bought by this preggo in denial.

Am I ready mentally? Not at all. But I'm not sure I can be. It seems to be one of those things for which you just cannot actually prepare. I am still reading books about this and that (though not as much as I should be), and I'm trying to imagine both the "sensation" (pain) of natural childbirth and then being a parent FOREVER. But I don't get very far. Unless I want to have an outright anxiety attack, I try not to think about it too hard. I think for the most part that it all just happens and you just roll with the punches - you're just totally in it and don't have time to even analyze it. And then suddenly, you forget what life was ever like before. Just like when you get married or something - it's hard to remember what it was all like before.

I'm trying to hold onto every detail of what life is like now, just like I did when I moved from DC 8 months ago. I tried to remember the smell of the air, the look on people's faces as they hurried by, the way the Capitol or Washington Monument stood majestically in the background - huge symbols that are barely noticed sometimes when you live there. I didn't want to forget what DC had done to me and how special it was. Now I'm trying not to forget what it's like to have uninterrupted thoughts, to spontaneously go to a coffee shop and read (without arranging for a babysitter), to be able to decide that I'm leaving and not have it take 30 minutes to gather a baby and everything that goes with, possibly "pausing" to nurse or calm cries on the way out. I'm holding onto the fact that I can read when I want or pop in a movie when I want. My attention is still undivided in the morning when I roll over to kiss Erik awake, bringing him to me to snuggle as he slowly rejoins the waking world, smiling and nuzzling.

Life will not end with birth, but the experience of these things will end as I know them for many, MANY years.

Pregnancy has been fun, and honestly, I can't complain. Of course I've had an emotional roller coaster with my mom dying, something that I cannot separate from this pregnancy or time in my life - it's just connected and I'm often unable to think about one without thinking about the other. But I have enjoyed the changes my body and mind have experienced. I haven't enjoyed the extra weight around my butt, thighs, arms, face, etc., but I've enjoyed watching a baby take over what was once a flat tummy. I enjoy my pulse throbbing through my body with the extra blood I've developed to support this other life. And I live for the quiet moments when I'm laying or sitting and Firecracker thumps around or gets the hiccups. I look down at my belly or place a hand to feel the rolling movement of this tiny being moving around in my body. There is just nothing on Earth like it. Nothing.

It scares me to death that Firecracker is going to come out (of my body) and that we will be the sole providers and teachers. The one thing in life you can't undo is about to happen to me, but it's the most joyous, too - I realize that or I wouldn't be doing it. But it's a big deal nonetheless.

Erik's been out of town, and while I miss him in ridiculous amounts, I have enjoyed what may be the last days and nights I ever have to myself for a long time. I've kept busy, but have reserved a couple of nights for watching movies and reading, quietly and by myself. My introverted self has always cherished extensive alone time, but now I outright worship it. That said, I can't wait for Erik to get back! What I am trying to covet most is the absolute romance we share all day and everyday as if we had just met and fallen in love. That's not going anywhere, but I'm preserving what it's like to have only one true love in my life before we both fall in love with another.

As I finish this post, Firecracker has gotten the hiccups and seems to be quite annoyed (moving around as if to try and stop them). How it does make me smile.