Dear Baby

Lately I have felt the urge to write Firecracker a letter (as if the baby isn't sick of hearing my thoughts all day long already). For those of you that have seen the movie, The Waitress, you'll laugh at how every time I try in my head, it starts off, "Dear Dumb Baby,". OMG what a great movie.

So here goes.

Dear Firecracker,

According to a somewhat arbitrary arrival prediction, you may be here for real in less than two weeks. You can't imagine the different emotions that have surrounded your impending arrival. Your parents can't quite imagine just what to expect, and the world has felt at liberty to comment on your "appearance" and your plausible behavior. As I've told your dad, pregnancy seems to be the one thing I've experienced where the human race feels the urge and the right to comment on and give unsolicitated advice toward our care of you or what to expect from you: "You take care of that baby now - it's just another little person in there, just like you!" and "You're having a girl, I can tell! Get ready - she will give you hell and break your heart!".

While sometimes these comments can be condescending (like when people say that I'd better prepare because I look like I'm going to pop any day, as if I haven't been preparing for 9 months...), I still listen with fascination at the interest that all people of all backgrounds and color have shown in your existence and arrival. It's truly the only time that I've experienced such blatant public acknowledgement about anything happening in my life. And mostly, I am glad that they understand how big of a deal it is - they get it. It feels like people as a whole are trying to prepare me for bringing another person into this hugely tangled colorful family known as the human race. Your arrival is truly the one thing I've experienced to be fully common and universal. Simply put and overly said, it's how we all got here (so you think we'd be less fascinated with it by now..._).

You will finally get to meet a voice that has been talking to you for several months now. Melanie, our midwife, gently feels for your head and body every week and listens to your heartones. You "run" from the doppler, perhaps because of the heat it puts off or the sound of your heart that it amplifies out to us - something that never gets old and is just as fascinating every time as it was the first. Melanie predicted earlier on that you would be right on schedule if not late, but her thoughts are changing now. After an unexpected visit to see her the other night from what we thought might be "leaking waters", she thinks you've dropped quite a bit and may be headed for the big trip sooner than thought before.

Given her new assessment, we should probably decide on a name for you but we haven't yet. We're not expecting that you'll come out and look like a "this" or a "that", but it's just that we're (I'm) not sure yet. Maybe it will be a nice distraction to think about when I am bringing you into the world (and hopefully you won't have a curse word for a name).

And speaking of names, I changed my name this week to match the part of your name that I do know - your last name. While I always intended to take your daddy's last name (well, kind of...), I somehow never got around to it. So now I have a very long middle name since I've chosen to keep my original middle name AND to also make my maiden name my middle name. So now we will all have the same last name - my only goal. You can thank us later that we didn't hyphenate two very long last names...

I can tell you that most parents start off with big hopes for their child - a hope that they'll be happy, and a hope that life will be better for their child than it was for them. While I don't want to walk into parenting with expectations for how you'll turn out or what you'll do with your life, I do hope that we'll be able to provide you with enough guidance and freedom to navigate your way with confidence and security. I hope that you'll always find a friend in your parents and that you'll never be afraid to tell us anything no matter how bad. I hope you'll be comfortable in your own skin, never second-guessing who you are and always being true to yourself. These hopes may sound cliché, but they are my dreams for you.

Your Grandma Cathey (my mom) passed away unexpectedly when you were just a 14-week old fetus. When she passed, I reflected on all of the hopes that she surely had as she held me as an infant. Some of those hopes never happened for her, and now I can relate to what it's like to have the strongest hopes and desires for something completely out of your control. And while it hasn't happened to me, I can feel the pain she felt everytime one of her dreams for me was crushed. It's a scary reconing.

Your grandma was so excited to meet you. Just two days before she died, we shopped together and she bought you a few things that I will make sure you have. She also gave me her silver baby spoon, something I treasure so much and hope that you will, too. As I am your mother, she was my mother - she's a part of me that will never die, and she lives on in you.

I can't wait to see what traits you receive of your father's. His eyes? His kindness? His patience? Your dad sings a song to you every night that lights up his face and makes you move like crazy. You will come to know his gentle eyes and smile and kisses, and just like me, you will crave his warm embraces. Right now he works from home and is with us all day long - I hope this never changes.

In order to protect your health (and the environment), we are doing the not-completely-but-increasingly-common cloth diaper-thing (you wouldn't believe how complicated...Fuzzi Bunz vs. Bum Genius vs....). Your "wipes" will be rags dipped in a home-made solution (vs. disposable wipes). And we are trying to buy most things organic for you. You will hopefully (if all goes well) be breast-fed from day one (and my diet will hopefully be as organic as we can afford...). Unfortunately, they have not come out with a better asthma drug that isn't Class C, so I desperately hope your are not being poisoned (I tried to go without it...which ended up being the not-breathing choice).

At this point in history, gay people cannot get married in this country as a whole. Our nation is still fighting a war in Iraq. We recently elected our first black President. Gas is almost $3/gallon (in Texas) and going up steadily. We are in an official recession, something both of my grandmas have commented to be as bad as the Depression era through which they lived. Corn syrup and bad agricultural policy from the 70's have wreaked havoc on our nation's health, but natural and organic foods straight from the farm are back on the rise. A serious realization about climate change has finally occurred (in America), and more friendly and sustainable resources are making their way into our American lives, like sheets made of bamboo and biodegradable plastic. We drive my grandma's 2001 Toyota Corolla that gets about 28 miles/gallon (we just put your carseat in it tonight and it barely fits!). Healthcare is a total and complete national crisis with millions of children being uninsured (and drug companies being insanely evil). It was 105 degrees in Austin today and it's not even July (I'm afraid of what's coming for your future...). I buy most of our groceries at the farmers market, but supplement with things from Whole Foods and Central Market like nuts and coffee (yes, your mother is a coffee addict). Iran is having mass riots over an election that are possibly as big as what occurred in 1979. YouTube.com is the place to be (and Facebook). Google is slowly taking over the world, as is Apple Computers (I have an iphone but your dad unfortunately sports a Blackberry for work). Your dad is a huge fan of open source software (and Microsoft is evil). For music at home, we mostly listen to Pandora.com for radio stations that we can customize, or we play music from our MP3's (CD's are still around but we got rid of them and opted to have all of our music electronically). The TV transmitter signal just made the big switch from analogue to digital. We just bought a digital video camera today (from Costco of all places) to capture all of your big milestones - the big thing about it is that it's HD. Pixar just came out with the movie, "Up", a huge breakthrough in movie-making technology (everything in 3-D). And at this very moment in time, you have the hiccups - something pretty typical.

I hope to capture these small historical occurrences in your life as you grow so that you may one day reflect on how much the world has changed since you entered it. As much as the world has changed just since I was born, I can't imagine a bigger change in my life than you. Whatever happens from here on, and as we continue to make history together, please know that your parents have the best intentions for you in our hearts always. Have mercy on your parents when we screw up and remember that forgiveness (for anyone) and love are things that will bring you the most peace and joy.

See you soon...

Love,
Mama