Dear Stella

This past week you discovered your toes. One afternoon as we finished an errand in the car, I was wholly curious as to why you were not screaming anymore as you do the whole time you're in your car seat (you just hate it - we don't know why). I pulled up to the house and hopped into the backseat, ready to rescue you from your evil car seat, but you didn't make a peep. Instead, you were quietly observing your toes out in front of you, wriggling around and waving back at you. I imagined you asking, "Am I controlling that? Are those 'things' mine?".

You've also started to develop recognizable patterns to clue us in as to your needs. After you awake in the morning, it is not that long before you're ready to go right back to sleep for a mid-morning nap. You are still only sleeping on your mom or dad in the Moby wrap or in a sling; if we lay you down anywhere after you've fallen asleep, you immediately wake up. So we've given in to wearing you for every daytime nap, otherwise you don't sleep and that makes for a very cranky nighttime Stella.

We have also learned to identify the difference between when you are tired, when you are hungry or when you just want a change in scenery (or when you have dirty britches). I can't really explain the difference, but I think every parent would agree that there is one.

My favorite times with you are when you're waking up. No matter from a nap or from nighttime sleeping, you are slow to rejoin the busy world. You prefer to take your time, stretching and cooing, looking around a bit, but mostly you prefer to quietly put your head on my shoulder while you continue to wake up. I love to hold your face to mine, kissing your ear and neck as I gently sway you and awaken my sleepy little bird. Once you've awoken a bit, the smiles start, and my heart feels like it might explode from too much love.

As I did everyday in DC before you were born, we listen to NPR in the morning to get our daily dose of domestic politics and world events (we also don't have a TV...). As quickly as I lose myself in the disbelief of what's happening with health care in this country, or the war, or the Middle East, I just as quickly bring my mind right back to you and all of your wonder. I stare at you in amazement to know how innocent you are to the world's nastiness and complexity. Yet I am excited for your opportunity to explore it with a clean slate and a full heart.

I honestly can't say what the world will hold for you. I'm sure that my parents, and their parents, thought that the world had turned into such a scary place that maybe they shouldn't have brought kids into the world. I don't feel that it's too scary of a place for you to live - I'm glad to have given you the opportunity to experience living in this world, even during this modern time. But I am scared and curious of the things you will surely experience either first hand or from afar. Will terrorism be an everyday-thing? Will your first car be truly electric? Will your country be at war? Will you attend a legal same-sex marriage (legal in the whole country)? Will local food in the grocery store still be an anomoly or something typical? Will you eventually have to pay to even stand up and stretch on an airplane???

How strange to think that you may be a bleeding heart (like your mom and dad), one who wants to defend those without a voice, always looking for justice. I may have to brace myself when you tell me in high school that you're a vegan and that you're moving to New York City as soon as you turn 18 so that you can fight the good fight, and that school can wait... Or will I pace night after night, waiting by the phone for a call as you travel across the country in a beat-up car with a friend (or boyfriend) of whome I disapprove? Or perpaps you will be addicted to Dr. Pepper and Milk Duds, never leaving the house because you can't put down the most popular hand-held gaming device of the moment, or you are beating a computer game for the millionth time (but it gets harder everytime), and I'll be begging you to go outside and play or to go "partying" with your friends.

But for now, even as I type, you sleep peacefully on my body, unaware of the future or even the past. Your world is full of the most basic and essential of needs: food, warmth, shelter, sleep, activity and love. Your parents fuss over every little detail regarding you: is it too hot for socks, should we give you Gripe Water and Mylicon Drops, should we let you finish your nap (the one you so desperately needed) in your car seat or take you out and risk having you stay awake? Whatever the subject matter, it always seems crucial to us as we learn our way and as you learn yours. It will be my job not to suffocate you with concern (something with which a sybling will surely help :) , and it will be your job to love your life...the only one you have to live.

Bless you!