Opinions

I hold our daughter a lot. We hold our daughter as much as we can. We respond to her cries, to her yells and even to her fidgets. We respect when we think she's had enough (in terms of being out and about), and we watch for her cues for signs as to what she needs or wants. We keep her close. We sleep with her. We sing to her. We don't want to leave her behind yet for "dates" or any other reason. We sincerely enjoy her company, and we each get sad when we're away from her for any given period. This isn't to say that we don't give each other breaks, but they are short and sweet.

People are very quick to tell you that you are spoiling your child from holding her too much or sleeping with her. They're quick to judge you, thinking that giving your child as much attention as you can means that they will never get along on their own. People won't hesitate to tell you that she is screaming because you hold her too much and now she wants nothing else, or because she'll hate everything that doesn't have to do with you. Or that she's behaving badly because she's spoiled.

My question is why aren't people more willing to give you compliments where they are due on the hard job of parenting? Where is the support for having read tons of research and deciding that children fare better and trust you more (and themselves) later in life when they are not ignored or left behind as infants and toddlers? Why do people think that a couple of people like Erik and myself that research everything wouldn't have stopped to read and purposefully decide about what might be best for OUR child?

I am of the opinion that it takes a village. But I am not always sure that I want the negative village with which I am sometimes surrounded. If people are going to assert themselves and their knowledge onto me about my parenting choices, they'd better be a little more in line with my philosophy or they won't get far. I have read both sides. I have seen all different kinds of parenting styles. I have LIVED those different styles. And from experience, I can tell you that there are worse ways of raising a child than how we are raising ours. I happen to think that our parenting style is closer to the top of the scale (good) rather than down in the red danger zone.

I absolutely welcome advice around what worked for other's children and what didn't. I love being exposed to the different ways that my friends are raising their children. I think it's important to always challenge yourself and to ask questions about what you're doing, comparing your style to others that you know. But by no means do I welcome the judgment that so often follows "harmless advice". I don't know what people are trying to accomplish by telling me that I hold my child too much or that I should give her a pacifier (which she will not take!). But I'm guessing it's because they don't want me to suffer, nor do they want my child to be rotten like an apple that fell off a truck (as if I do). I will say, however, that if the "harmless advice" is not completely sincere, or if it has even the slightest hint of judgment, then it can be withheld or shared with someone that's actually listening.

Can you tell I've had a few incidents? I wrote this post weeks ago but reserved publishing it right away for hope that my emotion would "settle down" a little bit. But every time I encounter that familiar "you're not raising your kid right" stance, I go from zero to annoyed right away. I know it's just the beginning of people butting into how we parent. And some of it I sincerely let roll off my back, completely unaffected. But it's that hint of judgment that can't escape my peripheral vision. Just like I did with any nastiness that came out around my wedding (another place where people tell you how to do it), I just won't tolerate unproductive judgment, especially from those that have nothing to show for "the way they did it".