The Story Behind the Post

Perhaps I should share the story (the last straw) that prompted me to write a post about attacks on our "parenting style". It's funny because it will seem to you like the exact opposite happened of what I was saying about our actual "style", but it's the sentiment (or lack thereof) that was at the heart of my fury.

I was at the tailor getting a cheap dress from Target hemmed, thinking that it would be a good dress for breastfeeding, and for hiding my postpartum body (nothing fits yet!), otherwise I would not be going through the trouble (I don't go anywhere that matters these days, but I'd like to have at least one thing that fits that's not maternity). Here's the dilemma: in order to try on a dress and wait while a woman sits at your feet and pins it to the appropriate length requires you to not be holding a baby (especially not in a sling which would affect the length of the dress). So for one time only, I agreed with myself that instead of asking a stranger to hold Stella while I have this done, it occurred to me that people leave their babies in their car seats when they need both hands for a minute. People leave their babies in their car seats for entire shopping trips, naps, etc., but I just needed 5 minutes - just 5 minutes in the car seat. Oh, did I mention she hates the car seat, even when she's in the car? Well, there you go.

So I carry her in her car seat into the little fitting room to put the dress on, sweet-talking her and touching her all the while. I turn her toward the multiple mirrors so that she can see herself and me while the woman is pinning. She is unhappy. I reach down and pull the car seat up to eye level with me, and I use my free arm to put my finger in my mouth (her pacifier...she won't take a normal one), and she is still unhappily crying. The woman is doing exactly the opposite of what I am requesting, and so she is taking way longer than she should.

Finally, she has finished. I hangout with Stella on the floor for a few moments with lots of physical contact, trying to calm her down so that I can get undressed and dressed (again, I need two hands for this). "Couple more minutes, Baby", I plead. She is half cooperating.

When dressed, we run over to the counter to get our ticket stub and pre-pay for the job. I am kneeling down next to her (so that the lady behind the counter can't even see me), I'm fishing for my credit card, and then I'm signing the credit card slip on my knee with one hand while the other hand has a finger in her mouth.

While this is happening, a large older woman (like mother hen or something) is sitting in a chair commenting on exactly what I should be doing, and asking why I am not doing something different. "Why is she in that contrapment? She doesn't like it!", she goes on, pointing out the obvious. "Oh, she hates it. I never do this but I needed free hands for a few minutes", I explain, frazzled. "Well, she needs out of there - take her out!", she demands. "I would except we're about to get in the car and, believe it or not, she actually hates it more when I take her out and put her back in again...", I reason. "Well, take her out! Don't give her that fake finger-thing! Where's her bottle?!". "She doesn't take a bottle!", I exclaim with increasing annoyance at her judgmental, non-helpful demeanor. "Oh, she's breastfed? Well, at least she's breastfed...", as if it's the only thing I'm doing right. "Well, get her out of there!", she starts up again, and she advances toward the car seat and proceeds to try and take her out of it while I'm sitting there with her with my finger in her mouth! "She is FINE, THANK YOU." I say bluntly, staring her down.

As a commenter commented (thank you for your comment!), I experience plenty of harmless parenting advice (and yes, I may act like I don't speak English next time - thanks for the tip!). And as I said in my earlier post, I let most of it roll off of my back. I sincerely enjoyed all of the attention I got when I was pregnant, feeling like there was a sudden interest in my child from the entire universe, and like there was this connection that did not require knowing me to approach me with advice (not typical for our social norms). I mostly take this attitude now as a new mom - I am rarely defensive, and I don't feel like I have anything about which to be insecure (and hence, defensive). But as I stated before, it is the underlying judgment that I just can't handle. And like I asked before, where are the compliments (thank you, Commenters, that have sent in your props!)? I don't walk around looking for kudos, but I'd sure like a balance! I'll hear 20 pieces of advice in any given day about how I shouldn't wear her too much, or I shouldn't hold her, or I shouldn't let her suck her thumb (even though she doesn't), or I shouldn't let her sleep with us or let her "bully" us with her crying... But it is rare to walk through a store and hear, "You are such a good mom to be wearing your baby, or talking to your baby like she's an actual person!" And again, it's not that I'm looking for that; it's mostly that people are so quick to judge and be negative then to compliment or praise.

Just sayin'...

Thank you for all of your comments! I totally appreciate them :)